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ClassPass Trial, Part 2: The ClassPassening

Remember when I tried ClassPass’s $19 trial for 2 weeks, told you about week 1, then took a 3 month nap? Get over it, I’m here to give you My Final Thoughts. And updates!

First things first, yeah bitches, I did keep doing classes through week 2. ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE, HOLDING ME DOWN: EAT MY SHORTS. Kidding, literally every person I’ve ever met has been incredibly supportive of me finding my healthy lifestyle bliss. Thank you BBs.

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Alright, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me sllloooooww theeee effffffff downnnnnn. Seeeeee thhheeee thinnnngggg thattttt happeeennneddd…HAHAHAH, I missed my hysterical wit too, friends.

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ClassPass Trial, Part 1: I Tried All of the New Fitness Trends for You and Now I’m Sleepy

GET OFF MY BACK DUDEZ, I’ve been busy eating and sitting and not trying fads and turning into a fuzzy holiday marshmallow (that’s when you gain 10lbs over holiday break and forget to shave for a month.) So, like many NYE beginnings, I’ve decided to make a #FRESHSTART and find a fad that gets me excited again.somethingnewGlitter brows? Scared of glitter in my eyes and high possibility of being uneventful. Exploding Kittens? Did it, totally fun but largely uneventful. Flavor tripping? A fantastic suggestion from my roommate, Spam, but too written about to pursue. GOD, WHAT WOULD KICK START MY JUICES?!thinking-hard-gifFinally, a promo on my facebook tracked my marshmallow ass down with a swift fitness kick in the face: a two week trial of ClassPass for $19.Screen Shot 2016-01-20 at 4.56.03 PMPerhaps some of you have not heard of ClassPass, a new fitness trend that allows its members to pay a flat fee of $119 per month to go to any participating class in the city any time they want.

The catch? #1- it’s fucking expensive. But the rules also stipulate that you can only do classes at the same studio 3 times a month, you can only sign up for 4 classes at a time, and if you cancel less than 12 hours in advance you get hit with a fee.

But, for $19 I could finally try this fad, and if I remembered to cancel it in time it wouldn’t even be that expensive.

All I would have to do was try as many fitness classes as I could in a 2 week span. I could break it down into 2 massive articles and never have to work out again for the rest of the year!! I would be fit forever and a blogging GODDESS! Everyone would love me and my deep seeded emotional issues would disappear!!

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I would essentially become Cameron Diaz in The Mask

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Killjoy’s Kastle, A Lesbian Feminist Haunted House: Processing My Diva Cup Demons

When I got a text from my coolest friend (she has a half shaved head of red hair, guys! She doesn’t even CARE if she misses parties! She makes biscuits and gravy for potlucks!!!) telling me that she was at a free feminist haunted house called Killjoy’s Kastle, I shrieked with ghoulish delight. Was this the Halloween trend I was dreaming of?!

In recent years, Halloween activities have gone from haunted hayrides to weekend long camping trips where you pay to be chased by zombies. I had found haunted tours based on the history of Los Angeles smells, and giant Halloween parks that were completely dark. WOWSOFUN.

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What is our society’s fascination with peeing our pants? I suppose that’s a whole other question, but what is our society’s fascination with being so scared?

I was stunned when I moved to LA and found myself at Knott’s Scary Farm, begging for advice on how to make the people stop bothering me. “Just pretend you don’t see them” is what friends told me. That’s right, I paid almost $100 to be reminded how to make bullies stop hitting me.

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Whether I understand it or not, people are paying big bucks to bring themselves to the brink of cardiovascular arrest, and the more creative these events get, the more they sneak in to my October schedule.

This year, somehow I had foregone my need to walk through a dark maze using my friends as human shields (perhaps becoming a human lobster was enough horror for me) and was planning on bringing October to a close pee-pants free.

But how can one turn down a FREE LESBIAN FEMINIST HAUNTED HOUSE?! Especially when it’s walking distance from work. Would you like a side of convenience with your perfect fad article?! AAAYESSS PLLLLZZZZ.

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Sensory Deprivation Tanks: A Solitary Confinement Quickie

Hi cuties. Happy HALLOWEEN MONTH! In honor of the year’s spookiest season, I decided to give you the gift of a fad that is perhaps (get out your finger wags, Hyperbole Police) the scariest thing you could ever do: sitting with your own thoughts for 2 hours.No-Thank-You-Please

My BRILLIANT, STUPID, GORGEOUS, SADISTIC coworkers Sara “LOLWONTTHISBEFUN4U” H. and Rob “GETHIGHOFFYOUROWNSUPPLY” K. brought to my attention the mysterious nature of this fad. While it has been around for quite some time, I thought it was bizarrobatman enough to try in 2015.

Pardon me! I’ve not yet told you the name of the long time trend! But, in my defense, it is in the title. You so lazy, friendo! It’s called Sensory Deprivation Therapy, a type of treatment you can find inside of a Sensory Deprivation Tank.

Essentially, people have been paying money to be put inside of a dark tank for a few hours without human contact. It is supposed to clear your head with its terrifying brand of meditation.

The tank is filled with a shallow pool of heavily salted water, and completely isolated to block out all light and sound. The water is supposed to create a feeling of weightlessness. The tanks tend to be tall enough for tall chicks to stand in, and big enough to for curvy chicks to float around in. AKA, big enough.

So there you are, in a completely dark, completely quiet pool of warm liquid you cannot see, floating without any podcasts to listen to for 2 hours.

At first I thought “I’d rather be dead” but then I realized this could be a great time to hang out with the coolest babe I know and practice jokes and sweet nothings. Who knows, I could even emerge from my coffin a new woman.

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Bar Roulette: Feeling Young (As Always [For Once])

Sometimes fad ideas come from the most unlikely of places; this week’s social fad is coming at you HOT from the new guy in my QC department. Thanks Jeffrey! Don’t be alarmed when I give you a tattoo of my face- it just means you’re better than other people.

New Jeffrey from QC would probably be doubly surprised to be handed a business card and tattoo with my face and name on it- because all we’ve ever said to each other is “I’m Carly!” “I’m Jeffrey!” But using my powers of eavesdroppery, I snatched up this suggestion from a casual conversation he was having at happy hour. NO FAD IS SAFE, I WILL FIND MY WAY TO YOU.

So what is this mystery fad that is so elite, only New Jeffrey from QC knows about it? It’s a new app that sends drunk people to unknown locations. WAHHHHH???!!!! I know, you’re hooked.

It’s called Bar Roulette, my loves, and it’s the hippest thing in bar hopping. Just when you thought bar hopping was the worst idea anyone has ever had (I may only be in my mid 20s, but I feel like I’m dead) somehow the world wide web has made it fun again.

Bar Roulette is an an app (currently just a web app) that hooks up uber and yelp to send you to a mystery bar location in your area. It’s one of those things where you hear it at first you’re all UMWHATNO I DO NOT HAVE A DEATH WISH, but after you have some time to think about it, you’re all OK MAYBE I DO A LIL.

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Basically, you pull it up on your browser, sign in with your uber login, choose a milage radius, and press GO! Then the app uses yelp reviews to find you a highly rated happening haunt in your area to cart you over to innn seccreeeetttt.

Do you get it!? Is it clicking?! Is this not the BEST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HEARD OF?!

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‘Soothe’ Massage Delivery: Another Touchy Stranger in My Living Room

Goodness oh me oh my! My last article on becoming a punk mermaid drew more views than any article yet! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! I guess more articles about my shameful hygiene habits- any suggestions? And PLEASE no more people asking for the world’s shortest article on glitter pills: “my poop got glittery.”

For this article, I explored something a little more luxurious, and yet, WITH AN ELEMENT OF DANGER. Because who doesn’t like their relaxation with a side of anxiety? This week’s suggestion coming from my boss (Nicole, if you’re reading this- I left a tat on your desk!!) is Soothe: an in-home massage delivery service!

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Called by many the “uber of massage therapy,” Soothe started in LA in 2013. Now, it serves a crazy amount of metropolitan areas, offering a massage “anywhere you want, when you want with our licensed and vetted 5-star therapists. Starting at $99.”

That is like…pretty enticing. But it wasn’t enough to make me jump on the offer. I have plenty of strangers wandering around my neighborhood- if I wanted to get one inside my living room I could put a sandwich on my front step with a note that said “down?” Continue reading

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Candy Pits: Getting Past the Aquard Stage

I don’t know if you creatures know this- but I have a Suggestion Page and Facebook Page where I shamelessly steal your ideas and send you a .05 cent CCL tattoo in exchange. This week’s fad comes from the brilliant minds of many; Laura “Affianced” Stringbean, Jenn Warden of My Heart, and Talia the Certified NYC Faddist, to name a few. These Candy Curious comrades can be thanked for my dive into the lifestyle that is Candy Pits.

“Carly, wtf are Candy Pits? That’s not a thing. I just googled it, seriously, it’s not a thing.” UGH OPEN YOU’RE MIND, DUMMY- Candy Pits are the weird second cousin of Candy Brows, duh-doy!

More commonly known as the Dyed Armpit Hair Trend, Candy Pits first broke out onto the scene in late 2014, when Roxie Hunt decided to dye a green haired lady’s armpits to match her head. News continued to pick up on this trend all the way to last month’s NY Times article on the trend. These pits were on FIRE. Even Queen Miley approved.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

We’ve passed fad and entered into movement territory. I’m like anyone else when it comes to new things- my first reaction to Candy Pits was “kewl 4 them, naht 4 me.” I’m not trying to jump on any movement wagon that I’m not adept to explain to the common fad-enthusiast! What if some one, god forbid, thought I was one of the “bra-burning feminist“?! I NEED bras because of my lady shape!!!

I ignored the suggestions as long as I could; but after I found myself 2 weeks deep into an I-forgot-to-shave hole, what excuse did I have? I had the pits, all I needed was the candy.

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