Suggestions have been tumbling in, and I am totally digging it. Keep ’em coming! It lights up my life! From what I can tell, many of you think I should try some kooky diets (I chose not to take this personally — I know you think I look really cute today) so I have decided to kick off the diet fad craze with the one that has the silliest name: The Werewolf Diet.
HAHAHAHA! Right?! Why would anyone ever look into a diet named after a fatty creature of the night that feasts on living beings?! But the name is hilarious and that is enough for me.
This diet goes by many titles (mainly The Moon Diet, or Lunar Diet) and its popularity has been on the rise since 2006, peaking last year. The idea is simple: you fast on the full moon and new moon. The thought is that the phases of the moon do not only have a gravitational pull on the beautiful shores of Massachusetts (ahhh, glorious coastal Massachusetts..) but also on the waters inside our bods. Also, Madonna does it? Seems legit. Please see the following artist rendering of what I assumed I would look like after this diet; admittedly Madonna-esque.
The basic version of the diet is to simply consume nothing on the full moon and new moon aside from fresh juice, and preaches insanely optimistic results (up to 6 lb down in one day). There is a more extended version of the diet that includes a full month’s commitment, but…gross. If there is anything that appeals to me, it’s a diet that claims to have people dropping more than a pant size in one day. And, as everyone knows, the easiest solution to weight loss is ALWAYS the best! Duh!
So off I went on the new moon, to spend a day in hell drinking only the juice from my least favorite foods (fucking fruits). What’s one day?! I woke up, looked in the mirror, and waved goodbye to my belly.
Obviously, I botched the bitch. Not only was I rocking bloat from my lady times, but I didn’t even remember to do a preliminary weigh in! I realized that if I was a true ‘WOMAN OF SCIENCE’ I would have added some goddamn logic into this test of lb lossage! One day of fasting down the drain only to realize I would need to fast not one more day..but two. One day of nonsense juice fasting to use as my baseline test, and one day fasting on the full moon to see how miraculous it really is. And I would have to WEIGH MYSELF. Like 6 times!
Didn’t this fad know it was just the holidays?! All I could do was suck it up and hope my scale had a sense of humor. Spoiler: it didn’t.
The new plan was this: buy a bunch of bullshit juices (family members who may be reading this, I’m sorry to swear so much but it’s time you all knew how terrible fruit is), weigh myself in the AM, live through the worst day any human has ever had (if you don’t like that I’m hyperbolic you can just go), weigh myself the next morning to compare, and then do it AGAIN on the full moon. I know, it’s amazing I survived, thank you for your support.
Day one started with a belly full of one pizza (don’t insult me by asking if I mean one slice) from the night before and three juices ready for the taking (some from Moon Juice as a delightfully expensive novelty). The weigh-in went as expected and my scale and I both had a good laugh, “Lol, scale, you have such a dry sense of humor.”
The next morning’s weigh-in was equally surprising to both my scale and I when we found that I had lost 3 lbs! Has anyone told Regina George about this?!
But the true test was where my scale would be the next day, after that treacherous “water weight” found its way back into my system. I woke up after a day of normal eating to find myself only 1 lb lighter. Good news though, that 1 lb stayed off, soooOooooOoooo pretty into it.
I was prepared to have my mind blown, Werewolf Diet style. If I could lose 1 lb from that juice nonsense, imagine what the power of human flesh could do! The full moon approached and I geared up for success. I was going to be a skinny-mini and everyone was going to wonder how I’d done it. I would be their tiny guru. Expectations were high.
A forcefully repeated rule to this diet is that you must stop eating anything aside from liquids PRECISELY when the moon enters it’s new phase. Do you know how hard it is to find a source that will tell you what minute the moon changes phase?! After much googling, I found a weirdo site to do the work for me. If Gossip Girl has taught me anything, it is to never reveal my sources if I want any respect. Luckily for you, I forfeited my rights to respect years ago and shall reveal my source here. After some embarrassingly difficult conversions from GMT to PST, I knew I had until 8:54 PM the previous evening to go buck-wild. The time came, I tore the fork out of my trembling hand and settled in for my second day of pure evil.
My most intense reporting from my time as a juice faster of Los Angeles would have to be that I simply wasn’t satisfied. My stomach was full of “nature’s candy” (gag) but my heart craved the man-made candy of humans. I sat around looking at recipes all day and fantasized about what my coming out meal would be. I talked about it constantly with whomever was around me. I felt myself becoming less interesting and I didn’t care! Everyone had to know how much I was suffering! I wasn’t satisfied for god’s sake — it was the worst!
I know what you’re thinking, “Can we get to the part where she poops her pants, already?” While I hate to disappoint when it comes to bathroom hilarity, I simply don’t have much to report from my experience! I had been warned that juice cleanses do not a lady make when it comes to bathroom stuff. Yet, I was not “needing a bathroom in a hurry” for any other reason besides having to pee every half an hour. Which ruled. Must’ve been all those “toxins” I was losing! Or just, you know, liquid.
The day drew to an end and I settled into my 7-pillowed bed (baby likes luxury) ready to reap the fruits (ugh) of my labor the next morning. And then…the weigh in.
(A big LOLZ to you if you thought I would divulge my real human weight for you vultures)
You read correctly! I was only 3 lbs down again! And, to top it off, I was back to where I started the following morning! The Werewolf Diet not only performed worse than a normal juice cleanse- it barely performed at all! DAMN YOU, WATER WEIGHT!!!!!!! First, period bloating, now this?! When will water weight stop toying with my fragile emotions?
So there you have it, a fad debunked by science. I suppose juice cleanses only work as part of a longer routine, but ain’t nobody got time for that! This is not the miracle one-day diet that will solve all my holiday hibernation problems. If you are out there, too-good-to-be-true-diet, I will find you! And you thought I wasn’t smart enough to know juice cleanses are a bunch of hullabaloo…