The time has come to introduce a level of intrigue to those who are keeping up with this blog’s shenanigans…GIFTS. Please try to contain yourselves! Please STOP showering me with virtual high fives and cheek kisses! I TOO AM EXCITED. You can thank my Atwater Correspondent, Fox, for providing me with the below gifts to bestow upon you:
SO, if you suggest a fad, and I decide to give it a whirl, I will send you these WaCkY CrAzY KeWl Carly Come Lately tats to put wherever you please! Extra points if you send a picture back- extra extra points if the picture is of the tattoo on your butt (points have no value of any kind).
This week I will be sending this special gift over to my NYC food faddist, Talia (thank you Talia!) for suggesting I try the hottest thing to hit the food community…insects.
Why are you acting so surprised? You saw in the title of this article that it was about cricket flour! Oh, you thought I meant something else?! I figured, because literally everyone I told asked me what cricket flour is. Spoiler alert, it is exactly what it sounds like: dried crickets ground into a fine powder.
Cricket flour is a protein fueled trend that is capturing the hearts of health freaks world wide. What makes eating bugs so much better than eating normal human food like eggs or chicken? Crickets can have double the protein (and a fraction of the carbs that protein powder has). Most brands that I can find are gluten an grain free as well! REJOICE!
So what is stopping you from running out and buying some right now? Are you waiting for my review? THAT IS WISE.
Obviously, once I heard that there was a food trend that was spunky enough for me to write about, I went all over LA trying to buy some. They didn’t have it at Sprouts! They didn’t have it at Whole Foods! It wasn’t even carried at Lassens! So I had to order the bitch online. To my horror, it wasn’t even available on Amazon Prime!!!! I had to order it from REGULAR Amazon and who knows when that would arrive?!
So I spent $10 on less than a half cup of it (3.5 ounces) and sat by my mailbox waiting. It wasn’t long until ordinary shipping came through and I was forced to reconcile the amount of money I spend on Amazon Prime.
Graciously, the package came with a few recipes. I decided to make chocolate “chirp” cookies (ugh) as well as some regular style baked goods for comparison.
Looking over the recipe, I realized that it was calling for 2 ¼ cups flour and only a 1/2 cup of cricket flour! Well that simply wouldn’t do! I took to the Pinterest to find a recipe calling for cricket flour only. The one I found called for a different brand, but I was sure that would be fine!
This would be a good time to warn you that I’m a terrible baker. TOO MANY RULES. Just let me be free to pat down the flour if I please!!! But I read a lot of baking blogs, so I knew where to start- with an ingredients tableau:
The smell that began to fill the air was not that of usual cookie fame, but instead something that brought me back to a point in my past when I spent a lot of my time at petting zoos. The closest thing I could attach the familiar scent to was the kibble you feed to goats at farms.
My batter was complete. Those of you who clicked on the above cricket flour recipe may be a little confused. Why oh why is my version of these cookies completely black? I could only hypothesize that it was because I was using a different brand of cricket flour, and moved on without giving it much thought.
I put the batter in the refrigerator to “set” which seemed ridiculous because it already was the consistency of wet sand. Onto the regular cookie prep!
Using a recipe I found when googling “easiest chocolate chip cookie recipe that is still pretty good” I found this delightful recipe that didn’t even require me to buy additional ingredients. (Side note: you know when you read a book or watch a show and suddenly, for like 30 minutes, you take on it’s voice? Well I just stopped listening to The Rosie Project on tape, so excuse me if I suddenly sound more clinical than usual [#leanin]).
I whipped up the recipe and ate about 3 cookies worth of dough in an attempt to get the smell of the cricket cookies out of my nose. Then I realized the dough is the best part so I should probably taste test the cricket cookies before I put them in the oven.
This was an unwise choice. Although the batter looked like wet sand, it tasted far worse (and I ate my share of wet sand as a child, so I know what I’m talking about).
I threw the left over chocolate chips into the cricket batter in a last attempt to salvage the beasts. I dished out some cookie sized dollops, and threw both batches in the oven.
As the kitchen filled with the confusing scent of wet feet covered in icing, my anticipation grew. I took out those cookies and stared at my beautiful creations.
I dug into the regular cookies before they were even cooled, because a girl can only take so much time in a room with fresh baked cookies before she goes insane. They were goddamn delicious; I had proven myself, once again, a goddess of all trades.
The time had come to try the cricket cookies. I picked one up and it began to crumble in my hands. I shoved it in my mouth. GODS FORGIVE ME; WHAT HAD I CREATED?! I spit the disaster immediately out in the nearby sink. I think this marks a first in my life, I cannot remember a time where I have EVER spit out food. Especially not food with chocolate chips in it!
Friends. It was so bad! And this coming from a girl who also used to sneak bites of dog kibble in her childhood!
I must have made some mistake…some crucial secret baking misstep! It wasn’t until the next morning, after posting the following signs welcoming my roommates to my baked “goods” that it dawned on us…cricket flour is not a protein packed, gluten-free flour substitute at all; but an powdered addition you can add to your food to get more protein.
I KNOW it sounds so obvious! I don’t know why I didn’t read my Pinterest recipe closer! The “other brand” it called for was Bitty Cricket Flour Baking Blend– most likely a pre-mixed combo of regular flour with a pinch of crickets! But I wasn’t about to order $10 more of that disgusting swill in order to prove it’s worth.
That’s right, buds, I am calling this one. How DARE a food make itself so gross that I waste my last chocolate chips trying to make it edible. You don’t deserve a do-over, you cricket mess!
My recommendation is this: if you so choose to put cricket flour in your protein shakes and overnight oats, please do so with an extremely light touch. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself like me: spitting up perfectly good chocolate chips with no one there to take a hilarious photo.