Goodness oh me oh my! My last article on becoming a punk mermaid drew more views than any article yet! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! I guess more articles about my shameful hygiene habits- any suggestions? And PLEASE no more people asking for the world’s shortest article on glitter pills: “my poop got glittery.”

For this article, I explored something a little more luxurious, and yet, WITH AN ELEMENT OF DANGER. Because who doesn’t like their relaxation with a side of anxiety? This week’s suggestion coming from my boss (Nicole, if you’re reading this- I left a tat on your desk!!) is Soothe: an in-home massage delivery service!

Called by many the “uber of massage therapy,” Soothe started in LA in 2013. Now, it serves a crazy amount of metropolitan areas, offering a massage “anywhere you want, when you want with our licensed and vetted 5-star therapists. Starting at $99.”

That is like…pretty enticing. But it wasn’t enough to make me jump on the offer. I have plenty of strangers wandering around my neighborhood- if I wanted to get one inside my living room I could put a sandwich on my front step with a note that said “down?”

I decided to stick with my usual $35/hr massage that I got on my block at Echo Foot Lounge, with a severe yet thorough man named Marvino. Recently, I treated myself to my monthly luxury, but this time something was different- Marvino recognized me! He was so excited to see me! How delightful and bougey!

He gave me his usual hour of awesome sports massage, but this time he peppered in about 10 “close calls” where he got just a little too close for comfort to my Coolio Parts. And I wasn’t toootallllyyy into how he would whisper his next move into my ear: “I’m going to rub your shoulders now, Carly.” But what do I know- it’s a massage! He was probably just doing his best to do a good job.

BUT THEN HE SENT ME THIS EMAIL:

UGHHH MARVINNNOOOOO WHYYYYY. You already told me about the KT tape, dummy!!!! I see through your games!! I don’t have issues with my body [rude] and also HOW did you get my email?! STOP PUTTING NOSES ON YOUR SMILEY FACES, MARVINO.

You ding-dong-stupid-fart-pants, now I can’t go back to my massage spot! Suddenly Soothe and it’s thoroughly vetted therapists were looking very intriguing.

As if to say “commmmeee onnnnnn” Soothe sent me a 20% coupon to my email for signing up. Fine, I shall do it! I shall become the fanciest version of myself and order a massage to my door!

The first thing to do with Soothe (other than google a promo code incase you don’t have one) is to request your appointment. Soothe delivers massages from 9A-12A daily within an hour of booking! If you’re a schedule-loving freak like myself, you can also book far in advance.

You then pick a massage type, length, and a therapist gender (phew!). I ordered myself an hour long midnight Swedish massage by a lady #heightofluxury. I still made sure my roommate, Spam, was at home for the appointment though- I’m no fool.

The app prompts you to give explicit directions to your door (sorry about my hidden driveway up a hill, future masseuse) and begs you NOT TO CANCEL or suffer the wrath of a small fine.

My appointment rolled around and I prepped myself to do that thing where I go “um I’m writing an article for a blog lol is it cool if I take your picture lol?”

I heard a knock on the door as the beautiful Cassandra finished her trek to my front step. I asked if she needed help- she assured me NO which I was incredibly grateful for. 

I showed Cassandra to the living room where I had put my coffee table on top of my couch to make space. I am not ashamed to admit that Spam and my apartment is no palace.

Cassandra asked me to lie down on the bench in as little clothes as I felt comfortable in while she washed her hands in the restroom (down the hallway on the right). She came back to a fully nude Carly tucked under her light sheets.

She somehow found a way to create mood lighting by turning on the kitchen light and leaving the living room lights off. Genius. She then put on some light massagey music to set the scene.

Cassandra asked what sort of massage I wanted- to which I gave the honest answer of “I don’t remember because I have no idea what the words mean.” She explained that a Swedish Massage was slightly lighter than a Deep Tissue and that an Athletic Massage was a little more focused on trouble spots. I asked for somewhere between a Deep Tissue and Swedish.

What followed was an hour of typical massage happiness. I always get a lil sleepy, and I know it’s a good massage when I doze off. It’s RUL good when I drool. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm, drooly massage benches.

Cassandra got me to a lightly sleepy spot, but the anxiety of thinking she was judging my decor (“why does she have so much Harry Potter paraphernalia…”) may have kept my from drool bliss.

It wasn’t until the massage was over that the big differences set in. Usually when a massage is done, you get to lazily saunter out of the room and leave the facility in a happy daze. But, when a Soothe massage is over, you have to make awkward small talk in your living room…in a towel.

I asked Cassandra if she liked working for Soothe. She said “yeah.” I asked if she was from LA. She wasn’t. I gave her a card for the blog. She, like, was OK with that maybe? I don’t know! GET OUT. CAN I HELP YOU PACK UP PLEASE?! CAN I MAKE THIS GO ANY FASTER PLLLLLEAAASSSEEEE?

Finally she finished packing up her table and left. I didn’t even offer to help her down the drive way because I was all blissed out over her exit. If Cassandra and I had met in real life, chances are we would not be friends. This is not usually a judgment call I feel I have to make after a massage.

I gave her a $20 tip which, in writing this article, I realized was not needed, as Soothe includes gratuity in their price. Cassandra, you sneaky little B. So, all in all, we’re looking at about $80/hr with a $20 tip- not bad in the eyes of a non-grouponer.

When all was said and done, was it worth it to pay the extra bucks to get a massage in my living room? For me, no. I think I realized that part of the luxury is being at a spa and not talking to anyone for as long as possible.

I will not be making another call to Soothe- it’s a little over my price point for a massage without a fuzzy robe included. Was the massage better than my cheapo Echo Park feel ups? I would say they are comparable. I guess I will have to find a new sketchy parlor to fulfill my needs!

Post Script- I just called Echo Foot Lounge to genuinely ask how Marvino got hold of my email address (and number apparently?!) and the place is officially CLOSED! Sorry, beefcakes bros looking to get paid to touch sleeping ladies, you too will have to find a new cheapo parlor to fulfill your needs! KARMA, BITCHES.

-CCL