GET OFF MY BACK DUDEZ, I’ve been busy eating and sitting and not trying fads and turning into a fuzzy holiday marshmallow (that’s when you gain 10lbs over holiday break and forget to shave for a month.) So, like many NYE beginnings, I’ve decided to make a #FRESHSTART and find a fad that gets me excited again.Glitter brows? Scared of glitter in my eyes and high possibility of being uneventful. Exploding Kittens? Did it, totally fun but largely uneventful. Flavor tripping? A fantastic suggestion from my roommate, Spam, but too written about to pursue. GOD, WHAT WOULD KICK START MY JUICES?!Finally, a promo on my facebook tracked my marshmallow ass down with a swift fitness kick in the face: a two week trial of ClassPass for $19.Perhaps some of you have not heard of ClassPass, a new fitness trend that allows its members to pay a flat fee of $119 per month to go to any participating class in the city any time they want.
The catch? #1- it’s fucking expensive. But the rules also stipulate that you can only do classes at the same studio 3 times a month, you can only sign up for 4 classes at a time, and if you cancel less than 12 hours in advance you get hit with a fee.
But, for $19 I could finally try this fad, and if I remembered to cancel it in time it wouldn’t even be that expensive.
All I would have to do was try as many fitness classes as I could in a 2 week span. I could break it down into 2 massive articles and never have to work out again for the rest of the year!! I would be fit forever and a blogging GODDESS! Everyone would love me and my deep seeded emotional issues would disappear!!
I guess there is a possibility that one of these bizarre classes would strike a cord with me. Let’s get real though…I’ve yet to find a class that doesn’t have me looking at the clock the whole time (only 58 minutes to go until this is over!!!!).
Since this is a hefty undertaking filled with many misadventures and anecdotes, I have broken it down in to a special 2 part article, week 1 and week 2, both composed of 5 fitness trends. I will try to be brief (no I won’t) and keep things interesting (don’t get your hopes up).
WELCOME BACK TO 2016 , FADDISTS
Class 1: Yoga Booty Ballet at Swerve Fitness (1 hour, regularly $18)
I am proud to say that I signed up for this class before I even decided to write about it. THAT’S RIGHT, THIS SHIT SOUNDED GOOD TO ME. I saw the name and was all “OOooOOooh!!! This sounds like something no one will want to do with me!”
Early morning YBB had all of 4 women in it- all of whom were trying the class for the first time via ClassPass. The instructor entered and was giving off a serious Hot Rachel Dratch vibe. Into it.
Each class begins with light yoga, then about 30 minutes of hip hop dancing, followed by a few songs of ballet dancing, and then ending again with yoga.
Every single woman in the class looked horrified to be there EXCEPT YA GIRL, ME, WHO WAS ELATED THE ENTIRE TIME. I was cracking up! It was stupid fun and a major exercise in shamelessness.
By the end of the class, two women had left early, one had gone on their phone during the final corpse pose, and I had given the instructor a hug for starting my day off right. I am not being hyperbolic..I gave that hot Rachel Dratch a fucking sweaty hug and she dug it. We’re dating now.Carly Fitness Review: Flew by fast, low intensity, surprising sweat level was at a 5 (of 10, you jerks). THEY CHARGE $1 TO FILL UP YOUR WATER BOTTLES THOUGH- that is roof stoof.
Most Horrific Moments: Cabaret dancing to Shake it Off? Miming basketball dribbling to Good Vibrations? Doing cat cow in sneakers? No. None of that compares to seeing yourself doing jazz kicks in a mirror.
Class 2: The Climb at Rise Nation (30 min, regularly $26)
I had heard rumbling of this class from my fitness obsessed (normal) coworkers: a 30 minute class that burned 500 calories.
Could it be true?! Could there be a class that allows me FINALLY order the Pumpkin Pie Puff Pastry from Intelligentsia before it goes out of season ALL WITHIN A SITCOMS TIME?! The rumors are true: Rise Nation is boasting a 30 minute cardio class that burns an hours worth of calories in half the time.The class uses a machine called the Versaclimber– which looks very familiar to a girl who grew up with a Physical Therapist for a dad (that’s me, folks). It was invented in the 80s and is basically a stair stepper that simulates climbing.
While you may recognize it from the infamous Mariah Carey Cribs, this class is also what Bradley Cooper used to get in shape for some movie in which he plays a straight guy. Naturally I was intrigued by it’s transformative powers.
I went to the studio with my Partner in Crime and watched the class before us shuffle out to reveal a group of fitness magazine models who all collectively decided to take the next class together. TWO FITNESS CLASSES IN A ROW?! These hotties were wild!
We clamored into the classroom where a small gentleman walked us through the machine use. Basically, stay in a squat for thirty minutes and follow the motions of the instructor. The windows were blackened and a hysterically club light atmosphere began to take shape. The music began blasting and we all started our first choreographed climb to “Sorry” By Justin Bieber. Link below to get you jazzed up.
The class was essentially spin on a Versaclimber and it kicked our fucking asses. I completely believe the 500 calories rumor because I certainly sweated out a Pumpkin Pie Puff Pastry’s worth of calories. #yum
As if a cruel joke was being played on the new comers- you must exit the class by going down a comically long flight of stairs.
Apparently if I hadn’t rushed out to collapse on the sidewalk, I would have found a delightful roof top patio where people sit around and discuss how much they hate Soul Cycle. Carly’s Fitness Review: Certainly not for the faint of heart. Seriously, don’t take this class if you have heart problems or are prone to fainting.
Most Horrific Moments: Either being doubled over to gasp for air then popping up and hitting my head on the handle bars- or being noticeably jealous of the “only in a sports bra” outfits of the 50+ crowd.
Class 3: Flow/CelluliteBlast at PlateFit (30 min, regularly $30)
I found this class by googling “you won’t believe this LA fitness trend.” It’s a form of fitness that uses the Power Plate– a vibrating platform that moves up to 100 times per second.Are you seeing this? Is this the most conspicuously disguised sex toy you’ve ever seen? I arrived 15 minutes early as recommended and watched outside as the women attempted to hide their orgasms. NICE TRY, I KNOW THAT LOOK. The owner of the facility was giving out free class passes outside because they opened FOUR DAYS BEFORE in the fitness mecca of WeHo. Apparently they used to be a small offshoot of a larger gym but they had too much demand from sexual repressed I MEAN fitness obsessed Angelenos.
Apparently the fast vibrations break up fat cells and rejuvenate your bod. The vibrations ALSO make your whole body itchy from increased circulation- especially your nose and face.
The class was 20 minutes of attempting to balance yoga poses on the vibrating plate followed by 10 minutes of “CelluliteBlast.”
The yoga was embarrassing to say the least, as me and 5 Lululemon wearing babes all tried to do Three Legged Dog on a shaking disc.
The CelluliteBlast was truly bizarre as we were instructed to lie as close as we could to the power plates and press as much as our lower body down onto them as we could. The instructors came by and pressed us closer to the machines.Anything to get the word out about lady orgasms, I always say. Way to own it, PlateFit.
Carly Fitness Review: Love me a quickie. All joking aside I did feel very energized afterward. The next day my arms were KILLING ME. Not that I need to say this but…you do know that women aren’t actually “climaxing” in this class, right? I mean I’M SURE IT COULD HAPPEN with some positioning work, but like, get your mind out of the gutter, you garbage person.
Most Horrific Moment: People love watching this shit from outside the windows- so attempt to not do what I did and take the machine next to the window.
Class 4: Imagine at Unplug Meditation (45 min, regularly $22)
Meditation has had a huge couple of years in faddism. Being mindful and happy has actually become a trend. WAWAWEEWA.Meditation is SO #ONTREND right now that there are actual expensive group meditation classes offered through ClassPass at Unplug in Brentwood. Or Westwood. I dunno, whatever.
My Partner in Crime also joined me for this adventure in sitting, and as we walked in it was as if someone had given us a glimpse into heaven: everything was white, there was free tea, soft music, and tons of expensive chatychkes to peruse. We entered the studio that was lit with dim purple under lighting. The floor was covered in black chair/mats.
Even though we would be sitting in silence with our eyes closed, I took a seat and rigorously patted the mat next to mine to make sure my PiC sat next to me.
Whenever I have attempted meditation before (or as I like to call it, nap time) I have found myself to obsess over how uncomfortable sitting us is. The best part of Unplugged studio was their solution to age old problem: the chair/mat.The chair/mat is basically a lawn chair with no legs and made out of thin pillows. You can adjust it to your liking and even have it laying flat on the ground.
The Nymph Meditation Goddess Slumber Voice alerted us to settle in, and assured those folks who had decided to lay flat that she would wake them if they began to snore (another one of my fears addressed!).
The NMGSV began her guided meditation- this was another treat for me as I often don’t know what to focus on during mediation. Having someone literally tell me what I should be thinking about is perfect for a mind-wanderer like me. NMGSV guided through the feelings of “true serenity” and had us invision a place that embodied that feeling. I will not divulge that place here but it certainly WASN’T Putnam Pantry ice cream parlor. In no time at all 45 minutes had passed and my PiC and I emerged from the room refreshed and ready to peruse chatychkes.
Carly’s Fitness Review: Super duper surprised to see a wellness class offered on class pass- but baby loves a comfy sit.
Most Horrific Moment: Can’t even venture a guess for this one, the entire experience was calming and delightful! My only horror came from finding out this class normally cost $22.
Class 5: Surfset at Sandbox Fitness (1 hour, regularly $22)
OK LAST ONE FOR THIS WEEK, GUYS- this was a fucking doozey of an article am I right? Can I go to bed now? I’m so sleeeeeeeepppy.
This last class was such an asshole. The second I walked in I thought “oh dear, what have I done” as I gazed upon my least favorite thing in the world: a room full of sand. Sandbox Fitness is a studio that brings together the Shark Tank winning trend of surf boards and the soul crushing terror of working out in the sand.
Anyone who has ever tried to do anything on a beach has found that you can’t get anywhere no matter how hard you try- like a seagull in the wind.
Anyone who has ever tried to surf knows that it’s hard AF to stay up on one of those guys. Why was this activity invented? Torture?
I began my class with only 3 other people in it- all jazzed up and ready to get embarrassed. Our first assignment was to do jumping jacks for a minute and a half.
THAT SOUNDS PRETTY EASY HUH?! But it is NOT EASY in the sand! I found myself looking in the mirror at myself and thinking “I can’t believe this is the class I will not be able to finish“
Every single easy thing we did (burpees on the sand on the board, lunges on the board, burpees in the sand) came accompanied with the thought “this is it- this is the thing I will not be able to finish.”
But guys, I kept pushing! Every single time I thought THIS IS IT was a second closer to the end of the class. I was going to finish this fucker!!The torturer cackled at us that we were 2 exercises away from finishing! Just 20 jumps over the board and then cool down.
That board was staring me in the goddanm face and BEGGING me to jump over it. DO you see how high it is?! Do you see how wide?! It was really high and wide, y’all! I’m getting flashbacks just talking about this.I finally made it to 20, calmly walked out of the sandbox, quietly closed the rest room door, and dry heaved for like 30 seconds. I composed myself and then sheepishly exited- ready to be laughed out of the studio.The women sitting at the front desk immediately came over to ask and asked if I had “been sick” YES!!! I cried. HELP ME IM WEAK!!!!!
She got me a gatorade (orange. Like..if you’re going to try to be nice, at least get me a blue) and told me that this happens all the time to first timers. She offered that perhaps I didn’t eat before the class.
YOU CAUGHT ME, WITCH, BUT I DONT KNOW IF FOOD WOULD HAVE HELPED.
After I replied “oh yeahhhh maybe that was it” she told me that she owned this studio, and that people come in all the time thinking they can start at Surfset level.I’m sorry…do you mean to imply that this was not a beginner level course? Well THAT is info I should have looked in to! Apparently there are one or two easier classes at this studio (Surfset 101 and TRX) that I could have began this nightmare with.
I was so close to getting through with this crazy town fitness hell!! I watched in shame as the three All World Exercise Champs did their cool down.
Here I am, writing this the day after, and my body hurts all over. Does that mean I still got an insane work out? You better BELIEVE IT (my self esteem depends on it).
Carly’s Fitness Review: Hard. Too hard for me.
Most Horrific Moment: I’ve already relived that moment once for this article, don’t make me do it again.
Week one is officially over, and so far I have taken $118 worth of classes. That’s right! $1 short of making back a month’s worth of ClassPass! And I “worked out” 5 times! Is it a bad sign that I’m basically numb all over?
Have I been the least able person in every single class I’ve taken? Absolutely. But they still play Justin Bieber’s Sorry so everything is OK.
See you next week for Part 2, including highlights such as Ariel Yoga, Foxy Boxing, Capoeira, and a final call on whether ClassPass is worth the small fortune.