Remember when I tried ClassPass’s $19 trial for 2 weeks, told you about week 1, then took a 3 month nap? Get over it, I’m here to give you My Final Thoughts. And updates!

First things first, yeah bitches, I did keep doing classes through week 2. ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE, HOLDING ME DOWN: EAT MY SHORTS. Kidding, literally every person I’ve ever met has been incredibly supportive of me finding my healthy lifestyle bliss. Thank you BBs.

Alright, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me sllloooooww theeee effffffff downnnnnn. Seeeeee thhheeee thinnnngggg thattttt happeeennneddd…HAHAHAH, I missed my hysterical wit too, friends.

Week 2 started strong, going to the opening week of a popular NYC based hot yoga studio, Y7. This is the type of place that has “kewl” hip hop lyrics in black paint on the walls. My ventures into the fitness underworld have taught me that this is actually A THING that many studios have decided to do. It’s…not not embarrassing.

The class I decided to jump in on was their Destiny Child vs. TLC Hot Yoga. I KNOW. It sounds incredible! Almost incredible enough for me to forget how horrified I am of Hot Yoga! But hopefully all would be forgotten when I came out looking like a combo of Chili and LaTavia.

Y7 is a room so slender that it only fits 2 rows of people standing about a foot apart. It is also so full that you have someone directly to your right and left within 6 inches. Luckily, this studio had the decency to leave out the usual wall of mirrors that most studios subject us to.

My oh my, it was hot. It was way hotter than I was prepared for it to be. I even took off my shirt and did the class in my sports bra! ME! A “curvy” [subtext: normal] person!

When the class FINALLY ended and the sweet tones of TLC and DC lowered (a missed opportunity to play “Emotion” during shavasana) the instructor came in and said..and I kid you not..”SORRY IT WAS SO HOT, WE HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THE HEATING SITUATION YET.” Excuse me?! You know what Left Eye would have to say about this scrub alert??

Despite their inability to do their one job- the class was fast moving and set to amazing music. Plus, I felt like I had sweat out a human baby. Talk about overcoming the gauntlet! If I could get through that, I could basically get through anything.

What would the next class be?! Capeoria? Boxing? TRAMPOLINE fitness?! I searched my options carefully, picked Aerial Yoga, and slept like a dang hibernating bear. In fact, I slept right through the class the next morning.

I was losing my momentum! How was I to get back into the fitness hot seat? I decided to head back to Unplug Meditation to clear my head with a Crystal Class. Might as well eat up another one of these crazy expensive silence classes while they were still free.

The class was crazy packed so we all snuggled up like sweet little sardines. They passed out three crystals to lay on our heart chakras (I don’t know.) and started the calming music.

It wasn’t one minute in before I felt a swift kick in the head (literally) followed the unmistakeable rustling of a person who cant get comfortable ON AN ACTUAL BED. Like, it’s a bed, make it work! They have blankets for pete’s sake.

The rustling and kicking went on for the full class, which was spent (by me) meditating on how much I hated this person behind me. When we all sat up, I turned to face my torturer: a tall man in a biker jacket who didn’t even give me a sympathetic “Whoopie Daisy!” look. My heart chakra was filled only with hate energy.

My workout juju was all shook up!! The only way I knew how to get back into my groove was to hit a class I already knew I liked: another hot yoga adventure.

I signed up at Playlist Yoga for their signature class and got ready to sweat out the vibes. Yes, they had black hip hop lyrics on their wall.

It was during this class that I realized my mistake. I was having a delightful time doing sweaty deep stretches to the dulcet tones of Drake! I didn’t need to search any longer for a fitness fad to suit my needs!

Goddammit, I was going to have to go back to these embarrassing white-people-appropriation-factories every week?! I guess so. I signed up for another Y7 class and gave into my fate.

The ClassPass trial had ended, and I was faced with a decision. Would I continue on? I needed some time to think. Luckily they let you HOLD your membership and get one free class a month!

What a great idea right?! NOT RIGHT!!!! That HOLD costs you $20! I KNOW. So bunk!!!!! I would have to rethink my options.

ClassPass costs fucking $120 a month. Which seems really dumby-dumb-dumb to me. But then I did the math…in the 2 weeks, I had taken 10 classes that would have cost $230. LORDY LORDY.

But, shant I forget, I would only be able to visit my favorite studios once a week. But, shant I also forget that part of what got me out there was the excitement of trying new studios! Hm. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Hark! A best of both worlds option DOES exist, friends! I finally decided to downgrade my membership to a 5 class/$60 a month option (offered only when you try to cancel your membership- sneaky sneaky) and couple it with a studio specific pass to one of my new fav hot yoga joints! I’m SO SMART it’s literally unfair.

CCL Money Saving Tip: every studio has a new member low rate- jump from studio to studio to take advantage of the low rate fees instead of signing on right away. If you’re lucky, maybe a studio near you has a groupon option as well. That way you can do something steady and still get out to Redonda Beach to try Trampoline Fitness some day.

Could it be? Was I seriously committing to..working out? Like, more than once? It was shocking to me as well!

Friends, every single class I went into, I thought I was going to be laughed out the door. I thought every one would be staring at me and making fun of me behind my back. Know what I found? A bunch of people who didn’t give a shit.

THAT IS MY GIANT REVELATION. No one in those classes cares about anyone else! That guy kicking my head? He didn’t even get thrown out of class. The person in my yoga class who couldn’t get into downward dog? I literally don’t remember anything about him besides the fact that he made me feel better about not being the worst person there.

No one cares about you, ya big lug. So quit caring about them!

If I can do it, you can do it. I have yet to be in class where I wasn’t the ACTUAL least athletic person there. I wish this was hyperbole.

Here I stand, 3 months later, and still motivated enough to hit at least 2 classes a week. Is it perfect? No. But (drum roll) no one cares! I’ll get there.

The end product is not me losing 20 lbs and it’s not me finding the magical glass slipper of activity that makes exercise “fit” for me. What it is, is me feeling a little stronger at a time, a little healthier at a time, and doing something that’s a little fun to me. I feel good about all of that!

Wow, am I amazing now? I guess the transformation is complete- I am 100% guru. Don’t fight it.

-CCL