Shaving Your Head Without Asking Permission: Do it Before Your Friends Get Cooler Than You

BB’S!!!! Guys, guys, GUYSSSS! I’ve missed ya. I have! I’m getting giddy just starting this article. Okey dokey enough about you, lets get to fadding.

Unless you’ve been living under a sexless rock, you may have noticed that a few class-A badass [white, brunette] women in TV and film have been sporting a buzz cut these past few years.

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*TURNS TO DUST*

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*SURRENDERS ALL MONEY TO AN 11 YEAR OLD*

Of course, this trend has been around for decades now (and even longer for women of color) and has always been sported by some of the coolest chicks in town:

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Patron Saints Moore, Weaver, Badu, O’Connor and Spears

Now that this trend has come back in vogue- it’s ready to finally have its mainstream moment.

At first, the dummies of The Public said “these women are even awesome with buzz cuts!” instead of saying “these women have awesome buzz cuts!” FOOLS. But now, finally, people starting thinking that maybe women look fantastic with buzz cuts because buzz cuts are a fantastic look for women.

Suddenly, not only am I looking at a fad to try..but I’m looking at a fad that might look really good on me! (That’s it, folks. I didn’t cut my hair because “I’ve always wanted to try it” or because I’m acting out my wokeness. I did it because I thought it would look hot.)

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*LISTENS TO EMPIRE RECORDS SOUNDTRACK AND SHEDS A SINGLE TEAR*

But I started having nightmarish thoughts:What if my friends don’t think I look pretty?! What if my family thinks I made a mistake?! What if my job fires me for being too ridiculous?! What if my smart and funny and beautiful gf thinks I’m a POSER?! Lord, NO!

These thoughts arrived and I knew just what to do- ask everyone’s permission to make my haircut decision! I had done it with literally every haircut I’ve ever gotten: casually mentioned it to my loving circle of family and friends and gauging their reaction.

If they react positively: I’m making a great decision! Phew, I feel validated and excited and I’ll make an appointment next week or the week after or whenever I get around to it now that I know people will think I’m kewl.

If they react negatively: Well, at least I’ve gotten the street-cred of even thinking about such an extreme hairdo. Move along to the next dream and continue with my adorable french braid crowns.tumblr_lgzl12wkkk1qhrshto1_400And this is where the fad comes in (lol you sillyphillynilly this fad is a 2 parter and you didn’t even see it COMING. YOU FUCKING DUMBASS AHHAHAHAHA): I decided not to tell anyone I was going to shave my head before I did it.

So off to Sunday Morning Hair I went, to meet my beautiful hair goddess Jilly O’Nilly who has taken my hair from long to pixie to red to ombre and even to (against her better judgement) permed.

As it goes with many haircut appointments- I was having the best danged hair day of my life. I had Jilly take a before picture of me and it turned out to be arguably The Best Photo of Me Ever Taken.

It was easy to have second thoughts, but my Hair Queen pushed me on and got to buzzing. After many phases of 80’s high school football player hairdos- I finally reached my finished product.

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Click to expand if you must rub my perfect pre-buzzed hair in my face.

The beautiful Jill finally fed my hungry validation beast and I headed out to my new edgy life. I thought I would call a few friends to see if they were in the area but they were out on runs or getting donuts (#mypeople). Thus, without any fuel left in my compliment tank, I spent 2 hours in the pit of self doubt.tumblr_m4zvsw85sa1qajc4eo1_500I needed more validation and I needed it STAT. A beautiful light shown at the end of the tunnel with those three little words from my angelic GF:

“Send a selfie!”

I took my first shot. Then another. Then I corrected my angles. Tried some open mouth smiles (which I can NEVER make look casual #mylifeissooooohard). Then I threw on a great lipstick. Suddenly my self-esteem was reaching all time highs as I started noticing how great I was feeling!

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A monster is brought to life.

I rode my new-found vanity straight to dinner, where my pals didn’t only validate my decision, but made me feel COOL for keeping it to myself! I WAS KILLING IT. I was the subject of all the snap chats!

The next day, I went to an unnamed feminist gift shop where they usually treat me like a basic trash can. But this time they basically rolled out the Emmy red carpet for me! It was if I actually HAD read The Bell Jar instead of just lying about that all these years! My feminist stock was on the rise.

After that, I ventured into a scarily-named yoga class: Kundalini. When they asked who hand’t tried Kundalini before…I actually raised my hand! I wasn’t even ashamed! I have a wild haircut so nothing could take away my cred! After that, 3 other flippin’ n00bs raised their hands too- I was a yogi trendsetter!!!!

I went into work and nobody fired me on the spot! In fact, I got the following compliments (in order of volume):

  1. You look like Eleven! #NetflixCompliments
  2. You have a good shaped head for that! #IKnowBecauseIHadAPixie
  3. You look like Furiosa! #MRF
  4. I Never Noticed How Pretty You Are! #ThisIsMyOwnProjection
  5. You look like Sinead O’Connor! #ThePopeIsDope
  6.  I’m scared of you now! #DustingOffMyDocs 

Guys, I even sent a pic to my family…and got a “woah” back. BETTER THAN I EXPECTED FOR SURE! I’ve since seen my Daddio and he totally likes rubbing my head. Like, I’m glowing over here. Quit it!

Every bar I went into I felt more hip. Every outfit I tried on looked more chic. Every lipstick I tried on I left on.

I suddenly became the Keanu Reeves of bathroom selfies: I am as prolific as I am expressionless.selfies

Thought about it? Thought to yourself I CAN’T FISHIN’ DO IT, BECAUSE:

A. My hair will never grow back EVER!

B. My face is too troll-like to be so EXPOSED!

C. My current haircut just got long enough for the type of careless braids only achievable by Sandra Bullock in PRACTICAL MAGIC!

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“Don’t make me do it, Carly!!”

Quit it, boo.

Hair grows like…constantly. Right now? Your hair’s growing. Science just took away your first point, can you DEAL with that?!

Your face is likely fantastico (only gorgeous kweens [the only gender-neutral noun of regality] read this blog). Second reason to not shave your head has been DEMOLISHED by my confidence in your babeliness.

As per the braids, I get that. I’ve never gotten my hair long enough to get those gorgeous 90’s rom-com locks. But I do love a good wig!

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Why have a one haircut when you could have a haircut that lets you have ALL THE HAIRCUTS! Yay wigs!

I only know your fears because I’m a human woman, and every single one of those thoughts crossed my mind. I had spent 2 years growing out a pixie and had finally gotten to the point where I could do this cool french braid crown thing.

And what was I risking exposure to by taking away my warm blanket of hairs?! I have hysterical adult onset acne, sillyass bush baby ears and no chin to speak of.

Everyone has things they think are too ghastly to expose! But turns out only I have noticed these things about myself, that is until I told you sweeties about them and blew up my spot. But hell, you’ll forget! And if you don’t forget immediately you’re clearly a Cursed Child Part 1 and 2 lover (the deepest darkest insult I have ever spewed).

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I’ve had a lot of bad haircuts, as I’m sure everyone has. Didn’t everyone’s mom use a bowl and a line of scotch tape to cut your hair in a straight line?!

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I’ve been walking the streets in my newly confident skin and freshly trimmed hair for over  a month now. I’ve been to weddings (#landjwedtoday if you want serious love envy), conferences, family events, towns in the middle of rural Massachusetts and I haven’t felt out of place once.

Not to mention I have a tonnnn of fun playing with hyper feminine outfits and super duper masculine outfits. The world is my gendered oyster!

Dare I say that my skin has even cleared up. MAGIC?! I think so.

To field some questions: I have gotten my hair trimmed every 2 weeks for less than $20 each time (by some truly fantastic people), and YESSS I have finally ordered trimmers of my own to keep this high-maintenance -low-maintenance haircut up. I still take regular showers but I hardly ever use shampoo anymore. My head does get cold. Any questions left unanswered? Comment below!

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What I’m really trying to say here is, if you want to shave your head, don’t tell yourself you don’t have the face for this haircut. Don’t tell yourself “you could never do that.” Don’t tell yourself everyone will think your ugly!

I’m telling you, this haircut looks fucking GOOD on people. It’s not about my face, or my attitude or my style. This is a flattering haircut! It makes people look like really fishin good!

My last piece of advice: if you plan on shaving your head, do it now. The longer you wait, the more likely it is one of your friends will do it before you- don’t let your friends be cooler than you (what a sTTTtttTTuuUUpppPPiDDD thing to say on a blog who’s only audience are my wonderfully supportive friends…)<3<3

Chances are, if you wait too long, you’ll show up to brunch one day and you and your friend will look like this:

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Literally, which one is me.

ENDORSED/ENDORSED/ENDORSED! I’m lovin my hairs so much I may have to upgrade the CCL logo!

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-CCL

 

One thought on “Shaving Your Head Without Asking Permission: Do it Before Your Friends Get Cooler Than You

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