Talon Nails: Scratching Out the Eyes of the Haters

Know what I think is the best kind of fad? The ones that turn your body into a weapon of mass destruction! The ones that bring new meaning to the term “Girl Power” (RIP Spice Girls)! And what could make a girl feel more powerful than gluing knives to her hands for a week? Before you say, “Carly, you crazy kook, that’s no trend!” I invite you to take a trip to my new best friend/nail stylist Lisa who helped me do just that.


Rendering of a situation in which Kim Kardashian turns into a majestic eagle in order to match her talons

It’s called Talon Nails folks, and it basically makes you look fierce in a more literal way than I could ever hope for.

Popularized by the darling of the nail community, Lana Del Rey, Talon Nails (or, more commonly called Stiletto Nails, or Kardashian Nails) are a trend of throwing on some fake nails and sharpening them to a point that would make Chritospher Walken’s character in Sleepy Hallow cringe.

People have been doing it since 2009, but popularity spiked in a major way since December 2014 (perhaps because RiRi and BB were seen rocking them late last year). In the celebrity world, various Fad Ass Bitches have sported Talons on the Instagrams and beyond (as if there was anything beyond the Instagrams).


This fad came to me by way of East Coast faddist correspondent, Caroline “Fayzer,” and I knew immediately that my hands would be sporting those bad boys within a matter of days. If nothing else, it would be a glorious homage to my ultimate middle school heartthrob, Edward Scissor Hands (I was a lonely child). I made an appointment with the cheapest nail salon within walking distance of my office and prepared for my transformation into a monster babe.

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The Werewolf Diet: Eating Fruit Is Not As Fun As Eating Humans

Suggestions have been tumbling in, and I am totally digging it. Keep ’em coming! It lights up my life! From what I can tell, many of you think I should try some kooky diets (I chose not to take this personally — I know you think I look really cute today) so I have decided to kick off the diet fad craze with the one that has the silliest name: The Werewolf Diet.

HAHAHAHA! Right?! Why would anyone ever look into a diet named after a fatty creature of the night that feasts on living beings?! But the name is hilarious and that is enough for me.

This diet goes by many titles (mainly The Moon Diet, or Lunar Diet) and its popularity1610784_10202207517223670_9035601934975615815_n has been on the rise since 2006, peaking last year. The idea is simple: you fast on the full moon and new moon. The thought is that the phases of the moon do not only have a gravitational pull on the beautiful shores of Massachusetts (ahhh, glorious coastal Massachusetts..) but also on the waters inside our bods. Also, Madonna does it? Seems legit. Please see the following artist rendering of what I assumed I would look like after this diet; admittedly Madonna-esque.

The basic version of the diet is to simply consume nothing on the full moon and new moon aside from fresh juice, and preaches insanely optimistic results (up to 6 lb down in one day). There is a more extended version of the diet that includes a full month’s commitment, but…gross. If there is anything that appeals to me, it’s a diet that claims to have people dropping more than a pant size in one day. And, as everyone knows, the easiest solution to weight loss is ALWAYS the best! Duh!

So off I went on the new moon, to spend a day in hell drinking only the juice from my least favorite foods (fucking fruits). What’s one day?! I woke up, looked in the mirror, and waved goodbye to my belly.

Obviously, I botched the bitch. Not only was I rocking bloat from my lady times, but I didn’t even remember to do a preliminary weigh in! I realized that if I was a true ‘WOMAN OF SCIENCE’ I would have added some goddamn logic into this test of lb lossage! One day of fasting down the drain only to realize I would need to fast not one more day..but two. One day of nonsense juice fasting to use as my baseline test, and one day fasting on the full moon to see how miraculous it really is. And I would have to WEIGH MYSELF. Like 6 times!comprennent-rien

Didn’t this fad know it was just the holidays?! All I could do was suck it up and hope my scale had a sense of humor. Spoiler: it didn’t.

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Gojjing: An Amazing New Word To Beat To Death

Are you looking to try a fitness trend that requires minimal effort, zero dollars, and is virtually slower than walking? Then do I have the fad for you! It’s called Gojjing (no it’s not) and it’s literally just jogging backwards. That’s it.

Gojjing (not what it’s called at all) is supposed to treat your body with the gentle touch it deserves from a rigorous fitness routine. It’s easy on the joints and tough on the glutes. What the fans don’t tell you about Gojjing (is literally everything because the word Gojjing is ungoogle-able) is that it’s mainly for those impermeable to gawking stares and pot-holes.

The first (and last) time I saw the term Gojjing was in an article in The Sydney Morning Herald (I will not apologize for being so worldly) called “The Six Weirdest Fitness Trends of 2014”. I tried googling the word, excited about doing something so silly for no money (usually I pay top dollar to humiliate myself) and couldn’t find a damn thing!

But the gods wouldn’t let such a good trend go untried by a faddist like myself, and soon enough I stumbled upon a new fitness trend mainly in the UK called Retro Running or Reverse Running. Honestly, most people are just calling it “running backwards” but I am not going to let an incredible term like Gojjing go unused in this society! This article is for you, Australia. You’re welcome.Capture

Gojjing (every time I type it I feel like a revolutionary!) sprang onto the scene out of nowhere in 2006. It has peaked in the public’s eye over the last year on the heels (feet joke. runners get it.) of Barefoot Running. From what I gather through my research, people thought, “I know that Barefoot Running is super weird and painful, but how can we really maximize the emotional and physical risks of running?!” and then one genius Australian yelled “GOJJING IS THE ANSWER!” and everybody laughed because Gojjing is a hilarious word and Australian accents are fun.

The benefits of Gojjing are touted to be a more complete workout, a gentler exercise, and a good story for your friends. If you want to read some more documentation on Gojjing, might I recommend its bustling Wikipedia page, which describes the fad with the following gem of a sentence: “the act of running in reverse, so that one travels in the direction one’s back is facing rather than one’s front.”

Gojjing is here to stay, dummies, so put on your knee pads and get on board.

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Padded Butt Underwear: America’s Answer to Female Body Issues

What is the best fad to start with? Something easy! Something accessible! Something I secretly have been dying to try regardless of whether I decided to write about it or not! Obviously, there was only one trend that would fulfill all of these criteria, “one fad to rule them all” if you will: padded butt underwear. What’s that you say, that padded butt underwear is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard of? I beg to differ, have you heard of that TV show where they drop naked people into the jungle? Well, it exists, and padded butt underwear is far more useful!

Shall we first dive into what makes this strange, new under garment fad worthy? First of all, there is a playlist that keeps coming up on my Songza called “2014: The Year of The Booty”. That such words were ever strung together should be evidence enough!  Perhaps it was with Kim Kardashian’s butt’s rising stardom or perhaps with Nicki Minaj’s butt-filled record and accompanying performances that a larger than normal bottom has become all the rage. But with fame, comes rumors. Were these women faking their amazing assets (lolz- I’m hilarious) and if so, could we peasants do the same?! With the questions came the need and with the need came the products.

I’ve had my eye on this trend for some months now, looking on with forbidden jealousy at the women who took their flat asses into their own hands and slapped on some padding. As a woman of excessive curvage, my lack of a backside is just unfair!

Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 3.55.52 PMLuckily, my blog came along, and with it a means to buy the most unlikely groupon ever (in the purple shown, of course). I swear they look just as good on me as they do on that malnourished mannequin. I decided to wear said garment on a day where I assume my ass is looked at the most, the bar I work at. Did I not tell you I work at a bar?! It’s very cool and resourceful of me, not to put words in your mouth! Anyhow, I work a day or two a week at a lovely pub where all sorts of creatures of the night (and day!) call their local haunt. While everyone there has always been an (almost) perfect gentleman, the place is loaded with mirrors and what kind of narcissist would I be if I didn’t check to make sure I was getting stared at every once in a while? So I put on my Booty Booster Padded Boy Shorts (for ladies) and my insanely flattering magic apron and set off for a big-butted adventure.

I thought I could get away with not having a before and after picture of my bod in this post, but it has become clear that the article really is not complete without this terrifying visual. Please try to focus as much as you can on the granite wall (perfectly in focus) instead of my awkward posing (blurry as it should be). Special thanks to my roommates Sara and Malika (get used to these shout outs- I am weirdly obsessed with my roommates) for being my backside photography benefactors and artists. Okie dokie, deep breaths, the picture is coming at you after this page break… Continue reading


Oil Pulling: Dry Heaving in Silence

Oil Pulling. Just writing the words makes me gag. In fact, you can be confident in the knowledge that I will be dry heaving at this cafe with free wifi while I write the chilling details of my experience.

Let me start by filling you in on this growing trend. People are guzzling oil (vastly coconut or sesame) for what feels like DAYS (20 minutes) and claiming it’s curing every ailment they ever faced (namely curing hangovers, gingivitis and headaches, as well as whitening teeth and removing “toxins”). If you read that sentence without my asides then it sounds quite seriously insane. Obviously, people dig it.

Oil pulling originated centuries ago and started as a simple practice to improve oral heath. The thought is that the mouth is the door to the body’s many toxins and is the best place to start if you want to get them out of you. Google trends will show that nobody gave a flying fuck about oil pulling until around 2007, with a mega spike in 2014.

Screen Shot 2014-12-30 at 3.53.10 PM

Why did the Google loving North Americans start turning to oil pulling? I can only assume it’s because the massive amount of times they use the word “toxins” whenever it’s mentioned online. People love toxin shit. But you don’t come here for my incredible assessment of fad history (she screamed into the empty abyss to noone), you come here for the gritty details. Continue reading


The Post That Launched 1000 Slips

Alright, already! I’ve spent a month preparing to blog. I’ve designed! I’ve drawn! I’ve tried every free theme on wordpress! I watched three seasons of Gossip Girl (this may seem extreme and irrelevant, but I was left alone far too much this month and it makes me feel luxurious)! Now it is time to do the actual thing. As a wise woman once said “talking about doing the thing is not the thing.” I think it was Ayn Rand (it was Amy Poehler). And now that I have figured out whether or not the punctuation goes inside or outside the parenthesis, I am finally ready.

For those of you wondering why the hell I’m doing this- first of all, take it easy and let a girl live her DAMN LIFE! Phew, sorry I blew up at you like that. It’s just that I am doing this blog to turn my weakness (being ever so noncommittal) into my strength (committing to not committing!) and I don’t know yet if I believe in myself! So I’ve bet myself my own dignity that I will stick to it (in other words- stakes are low).

From now on I will be referring to you (my eventual adoring readers) in the informal- if you were to read my diary you would notice the same casual pronoun usage drenched with the same hope that people would find it and read it. I don’t want to inundate you with multiple posts on similar fads, so expect a wide variety of diet, fashion, food, exercise, health and social trends. What is a social trend, you ask? I’m choosing to define it as something like a popular new social activity (ie, silent discos) or App- ie, Thrinder (jklol I will not be using Thrinder [because I already have and it was lame {jklol got you twice- I’m KILLING it!}]).

So, let’s do this! I’m ready! I’m horrified I will give up too early! Don’t let me, dear friend. See you in the first post.

Kisses, A

XOXO, Gossip Girl