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Shaving Your Head Without Asking Permission: Do it Before Your Friends Get Cooler Than You

BB’S!!!! Guys, guys, GUYSSSS! I’ve missed ya. I have! I’m getting giddy just starting this article. Okey dokey enough about you, lets get to fadding.

Unless you’ve been living under a sexless rock, you may have noticed that a few class-A badass [white, brunette] women in TV and film have been sporting a buzz cut these past few years.

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*TURNS TO DUST*

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*SURRENDERS ALL MONEY TO AN 11 YEAR OLD*

Of course, this trend has been around for decades now (and even longer for women of color) and has always been sported by some of the coolest chicks in town:

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Patron Saints Moore, Weaver, Badu, O’Connor and Spears

Now that this trend has come back in vogue- it’s ready to finally have its mainstream moment.

At first, the dummies of The Public said “these women are even awesome with buzz cuts!” instead of saying “these women have awesome buzz cuts!” FOOLS. But now, finally, people starting thinking that maybe women look fantastic with buzz cuts because buzz cuts are a fantastic look for women.

Suddenly, not only am I looking at a fad to try..but I’m looking at a fad that might look really good on me! (That’s it, folks. I didn’t cut my hair because “I’ve always wanted to try it” or because I’m acting out my wokeness. I did it because I thought it would look hot.) Continue reading

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Candy Pits: Getting Past the Aquard Stage

I don’t know if you creatures know this- but I have a Suggestion Page and Facebook Page where I shamelessly steal your ideas and send you a .05 cent CCL tattoo in exchange. This week’s fad comes from the brilliant minds of many; Laura “Affianced” Stringbean, Jenn Warden of My Heart, and Talia the Certified NYC Faddist, to name a few. These Candy Curious comrades can be thanked for my dive into the lifestyle that is Candy Pits.

“Carly, wtf are Candy Pits? That’s not a thing. I just googled it, seriously, it’s not a thing.” UGH OPEN YOU’RE MIND, DUMMY- Candy Pits are the weird second cousin of Candy Brows, duh-doy!

More commonly known as the Dyed Armpit Hair Trend, Candy Pits first broke out onto the scene in late 2014, when Roxie Hunt decided to dye a green haired lady’s armpits to match her head. News continued to pick up on this trend all the way to last month’s NY Times article on the trend. These pits were on FIRE. Even Queen Miley approved.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

We’ve passed fad and entered into movement territory. I’m like anyone else when it comes to new things- my first reaction to Candy Pits was “kewl 4 them, naht 4 me.” I’m not trying to jump on any movement wagon that I’m not adept to explain to the common fad-enthusiast! What if some one, god forbid, thought I was one of the “bra-burning feminist“?! I NEED bras because of my lady shape!!!

I ignored the suggestions as long as I could; but after I found myself 2 weeks deep into an I-forgot-to-shave hole, what excuse did I have? I had the pits, all I needed was the candy.

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“FullLips” Lip Enhancer: $25 I Could Have Spent on a Shot Glass

Ever find yourself in a social media hole and suddenly you wake up and have no idea how you got to the instagram you’ve found? We’ve all been there, and while usually when I awake from my daze I am on some exboyfriend of a current girlfriend of my exboyfriend’s page, last week I found myself on #FullLips.

Tracing back my steps, I realized I had been rifling through beauty regime instagrams for photos of Lip Contouring and tumblr_nkqsdjMIAd1sodn3mo1_500on every single goddamn photo there was a #FullLips hashtag and this bizarre step with a strange red bottle cap…

Thus, I found myself deep in the depths of wishful thinking. It took me about 10 minutes to hastily buy the shit out of whatever these freaks were selling, which turned out to be the FullLips Lip Enhancer. I am not proud that I spent $25 on a piece of plastic, but, like all of my purchases, I remembered that Amazon Prime offers free returns (I have literally never taken advantage of this aspect of the service).

Perhaps, at this time, you are feeling like this is a strange way to start a post? What about this post is different? Why do you feel so weird about this?! I will venture to guess that it is because…I DID NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT WITH MY EYE ON THE BLOG. I know. I too am ashamed. I bought this thing with every intention of using it in secret for my own damned benefit.

Luckily for you, the outcome was too bizarre not to share with my dozen readers (yes, you! You are one of my dozen! ThankYouILoveYouIWillDoAnythingForYouIncludingATMILoveYouSoMuch!!!!).

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Korean Spa Day: My New Starring Role in “Naked and Afraid”

For the first couple of months of this blog, I was SWIMMING in ideas. I was diving into a pool of glorious, weirdly desirable fads. I plowed through those puppies and found myself asking WHAT NOW?! Luckily I live in a house of brilliant trend-setting geniuses.

When I was going to mope town about not having a perfect trend picked out for this week, my friends Emma and Max opened their incredibly attractive and intelligent mouths and recommended I do something terrifying and exhilarating: go to a Korean spa.

Perhaps it was because of the Conan O’Brien sketch on the subject, or the way Korean Beauty regimens have been all the rage on my frequented blogs, but I certainly have felt like people have been mummering about the mysterious experience that is the Korean Spa circuit.

I truly had no clue what to expect aside from a perfect (as always) joke from the sitcom guru that is Happy Endings (“Well, I didn’t like Korean spas until I learned how to say the phrase, ‘I don’t wanna bleed today’.” Quotes aside, do you know what kind of things come up when you google “happy endings korean spa”? It aint pretty).

Luckily, Groupon was offering a well timed deal to get me in for a few bucks only. Unluckily, I wanted to get the “full experience” which to me means buying the shit out of a body scrub/massage/facial combo.

The Angelic Emma assure me it would be an experience for the ages, while urging me not to watch the Conan video before I went.

If I could tell you one thing I knew for sure, it was that I was required to be naked, and I promised myself no tears would be involved [this time]! I would walk in and be completely natural about the whole deal.giphy

I drove to my fate,  and I was prepared for one of two scenarios: 1) My eyes would be opened to a world of soft skin and no shame and strong feminist values held by incredibly soft feminist women. 2) I would be laughed out of the spa for having cellulite. Continue reading

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Candy Brows: Becoming a Classic Los Angeles Weirdo

Every once in a while, life deals you a perfect hand. My last Saturday evening seemed to do just that when all of my beautiful roommates decided to have an evening out. It was decided we would get gussied up like the gussies we are, and drink in the ultra hip experience that is Saturday night in Silverlake (Forbes’s 2012’s ‘Hippest Hipster Neighborhood’ [arguably the world’s least hip magazine and certainly the universe’s least hip year- YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU, 2012]).

Why was this evening so much more fantastical than any other ol’ night in the life of a young Carly? It just happen to present the perfect opportunity to try out my week’s chosen fad: colorfully dyed eyebrows.

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I’m sure some of you had noticed that eyebrows are in a hot spotlight right now, with young cats like Cara Devaahjashjahfkjhfd and the Kardashian Kult sporting full brows that would make Audrey jealous. It’s a beautiful time for beauty when anything “natural” is considered in, but it seemed such a fad was too easily obtainable to stay in the spotlight for long.audrey-hepburn-mark-shaw-3-520x559

Along comes colorfully dyed eyebrows, as if people were just TOO BORED to leave their big beautiful brows alone. And with brightly colored hair having a moment as well, it seemed only natural that people would find a way to marry the two together.

For the life of me I cannot figure out why this trend does not yet have some sexy name attached to it. It’s so sleek and cool and crazy! This is why I have taken it upon myself to give this trend the perfect name: Candy Brows.

Can I get a YAASSSSS for this amazing name?! I JUST thought of it right now! Sitting in my extravagantly over pillowed bed! Goodness, this week just keeps getting better and better!

If you’re like me, you crave all the edgy badassery of a hot pink head of hair with none of the peroxide. Commitment-phobes rejoice! You can achieve edgy as fuck colored eyebrows for mere hours at a time by using my very special technique. Unfortunately, this includes taking many many photos of myself.IMG_7134 Continue reading

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Talon Nails: Scratching Out the Eyes of the Haters

Know what I think is the best kind of fad? The ones that turn your body into a weapon of mass destruction! The ones that bring new meaning to the term “Girl Power” (RIP Spice Girls)! And what could make a girl feel more powerful than gluing knives to her hands for a week? Before you say, “Carly, you crazy kook, that’s no trend!” I invite you to take a trip to my new best friend/nail stylist Lisa who helped me do just that.

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Rendering of a situation in which Kim Kardashian turns into a majestic eagle in order to match her talons

It’s called Talon Nails folks, and it basically makes you look fierce in a more literal way than I could ever hope for.

Popularized by the darling of the nail community, Lana Del Rey, Talon Nails (or, more commonly called Stiletto Nails, or Kardashian Nails) are a trend of throwing on some fake nails and sharpening them to a point that would make Chritospher Walken’s character in Sleepy Hallow cringe.

People have been doing it since 2009, but popularity spiked in a major way since December 2014 (perhaps because RiRi and BB were seen rocking them late last year). In the celebrity world, various Fad Ass Bitches have sported Talons on the Instagrams and beyond (as if there was anything beyond the Instagrams).

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This fad came to me by way of East Coast faddist correspondent, Caroline “Fayzer,” and I knew immediately that my hands would be sporting those bad boys within a matter of days. If nothing else, it would be a glorious homage to my ultimate middle school heartthrob, Edward Scissor Hands (I was a lonely child). I made an appointment with the cheapest nail salon within walking distance of my office and prepared for my transformation into a monster babe.

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Padded Butt Underwear: America’s Answer to Female Body Issues

What is the best fad to start with? Something easy! Something accessible! Something I secretly have been dying to try regardless of whether I decided to write about it or not! Obviously, there was only one trend that would fulfill all of these criteria, “one fad to rule them all” if you will: padded butt underwear. What’s that you say, that padded butt underwear is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard of? I beg to differ, have you heard of that TV show where they drop naked people into the jungle? Well, it exists, and padded butt underwear is far more useful!

Shall we first dive into what makes this strange, new under garment fad worthy? First of all, there is a playlist that keeps coming up on my Songza called “2014: The Year of The Booty”. That such words were ever strung together should be evidence enough!  Perhaps it was with Kim Kardashian’s butt’s rising stardom or perhaps with Nicki Minaj’s butt-filled record and accompanying performances that a larger than normal bottom has become all the rage. But with fame, comes rumors. Were these women faking their amazing assets (lolz- I’m hilarious) and if so, could we peasants do the same?! With the questions came the need and with the need came the products.

I’ve had my eye on this trend for some months now, looking on with forbidden jealousy at the women who took their flat asses into their own hands and slapped on some padding. As a woman of excessive curvage, my lack of a backside is just unfair!

Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 3.55.52 PMLuckily, my blog came along, and with it a means to buy the most unlikely groupon ever (in the purple shown, of course). I swear they look just as good on me as they do on that malnourished mannequin. I decided to wear said garment on a day where I assume my ass is looked at the most, the bar I work at. Did I not tell you I work at a bar?! It’s very cool and resourceful of me, not to put words in your mouth! Anyhow, I work a day or two a week at a lovely pub where all sorts of creatures of the night (and day!) call their local haunt. While everyone there has always been an (almost) perfect gentleman, the place is loaded with mirrors and what kind of narcissist would I be if I didn’t check to make sure I was getting stared at every once in a while? So I put on my Booty Booster Padded Boy Shorts (for ladies) and my insanely flattering magic apron and set off for a big-butted adventure.

I thought I could get away with not having a before and after picture of my bod in this post, but it has become clear that the article really is not complete without this terrifying visual. Please try to focus as much as you can on the granite wall (perfectly in focus) instead of my awkward posing (blurry as it should be). Special thanks to my roommates Sara and Malika (get used to these shout outs- I am weirdly obsessed with my roommates) for being my backside photography benefactors and artists. Okie dokie, deep breaths, the picture is coming at you after this page break… Continue reading