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The Beyoncé Diet: A Rich Person’s Guide to Alienating Your Friends

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Woman sized pre-teen with a metabolism of gold

If you’ve ever had the delight of meeting the Carly in person, you may have had the absolute pleasure of hearing me talk about fad diets. Atkins? I was doing it in middle school. Weight Watchers? Only teenager in the meetings. South Beach? PLEASE, I’ve known those rules by heart since I was a fetus.

Naturally, my ear is to the ground when it comes to perpetuating my body issues. And this year has been a dietary goldmine.

The scale had tipped past low carb, past no carb, past paleo, past vegan, and into some of the most restrictive diet realms in recent memory: the gluten free, sugar free, vegan diet.

You read those rules right, folks. And who is the she-witch behind this torture? Queen Bea herself- The Yonce. Beabea wants us all to waste away so she can control our minds more easily and secure her seat as ruler of all women.

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Originally, YonYon gave us measly glimpses of what her super-diet was. Finally her and her “exercise physiologist” (ugh) and personal trainer, Marco Borges, collaborated with her to release a meal delivery program to bring these vegan “treats” to your door.

There was only one thing keeping the little people from following this diet: it cost fucking $630 to get 3 weeks of meals delivered. To break that down for you, that’s fucking $30 a meal. $30 for meals like “oatmeal and berries” or “quinoa eggplant stEW.”

Needless to say, the baby Beas were not happy. Luckily, in June, 2015, Grown Bea made a “special announcement” about the release of the novelization of this diet plan. Unluckily for her, people were all “HOW COULD YOU EVER CALL THIS SHIT A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT?” which, in their defense, is quite unclear.

So now the book is on the shelves of your favorite amazon store under the title of The 22 Day Revolution. The premise being that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit, so if you can stick with it with 22 days, you’re set for life (malarkey). Continue reading

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The Werewolf Diet: Eating Fruit Is Not As Fun As Eating Humans

Suggestions have been tumbling in, and I am totally digging it. Keep ’em coming! It lights up my life! From what I can tell, many of you think I should try some kooky diets (I chose not to take this personally — I know you think I look really cute today) so I have decided to kick off the diet fad craze with the one that has the silliest name: The Werewolf Diet.

HAHAHAHA! Right?! Why would anyone ever look into a diet named after a fatty creature of the night that feasts on living beings?! But the name is hilarious and that is enough for me.

This diet goes by many titles (mainly The Moon Diet, or Lunar Diet) and its popularity1610784_10202207517223670_9035601934975615815_n has been on the rise since 2006, peaking last year. The idea is simple: you fast on the full moon and new moon. The thought is that the phases of the moon do not only have a gravitational pull on the beautiful shores of Massachusetts (ahhh, glorious coastal Massachusetts..) but also on the waters inside our bods. Also, Madonna does it? Seems legit. Please see the following artist rendering of what I assumed I would look like after this diet; admittedly Madonna-esque.

The basic version of the diet is to simply consume nothing on the full moon and new moon aside from fresh juice, and preaches insanely optimistic results (up to 6 lb down in one day). There is a more extended version of the diet that includes a full month’s commitment, but…gross. If there is anything that appeals to me, it’s a diet that claims to have people dropping more than a pant size in one day. And, as everyone knows, the easiest solution to weight loss is ALWAYS the best! Duh!

So off I went on the new moon, to spend a day in hell drinking only the juice from my least favorite foods (fucking fruits). What’s one day?! I woke up, looked in the mirror, and waved goodbye to my belly.

Obviously, I botched the bitch. Not only was I rocking bloat from my lady times, but I didn’t even remember to do a preliminary weigh in! I realized that if I was a true ‘WOMAN OF SCIENCE’ I would have added some goddamn logic into this test of lb lossage! One day of fasting down the drain only to realize I would need to fast not one more day..but two. One day of nonsense juice fasting to use as my baseline test, and one day fasting on the full moon to see how miraculous it really is. And I would have to WEIGH MYSELF. Like 6 times!comprennent-rien

Didn’t this fad know it was just the holidays?! All I could do was suck it up and hope my scale had a sense of humor. Spoiler: it didn’t.

Continue reading