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The Beyoncé Diet: A Rich Person’s Guide to Alienating Your Friends

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Woman sized pre-teen with a metabolism of gold

If you’ve ever had the delight of meeting the Carly in person, you may have had the absolute pleasure of hearing me talk about fad diets. Atkins? I was doing it in middle school. Weight Watchers? Only teenager in the meetings. South Beach? PLEASE, I’ve known those rules by heart since I was a fetus.

Naturally, my ear is to the ground when it comes to perpetuating my body issues. And this year has been a dietary goldmine.

The scale had tipped past low carb, past no carb, past paleo, past vegan, and into some of the most restrictive diet realms in recent memory: the gluten free, sugar free, vegan diet.

You read those rules right, folks. And who is the she-witch behind this torture? Queen Bea herself- The Yonce. Beabea wants us all to waste away so she can control our minds more easily and secure her seat as ruler of all women.

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Originally, YonYon gave us measly glimpses of what her super-diet was. Finally her and her “exercise physiologist” (ugh) and personal trainer, Marco Borges, collaborated with her to release a meal delivery program to bring these vegan “treats” to your door.

There was only one thing keeping the little people from following this diet: it cost fucking $630 to get 3 weeks of meals delivered. To break that down for you, that’s fucking $30 a meal. $30 for meals like “oatmeal and berries” or “quinoa eggplant stEW.”

Needless to say, the baby Beas were not happy. Luckily, in June, 2015, Grown Bea made a “special announcement” about the release of the novelization of this diet plan. Unluckily for her, people were all “HOW COULD YOU EVER CALL THIS SHIT A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT?” which, in their defense, is quite unclear.

So now the book is on the shelves of your favorite amazon store under the title of The 22 Day Revolution. The premise being that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit, so if you can stick with it with 22 days, you’re set for life (malarkey). Continue reading

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Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza & Little Cesar’s Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish: Glutton Rage

~~**Fuck all these diets**~~ A girl can only diet so much! There are some “fun”/”horrible” diet trends coming up that I will want to try, and I know I’m going to need to InDuLgE a bit.

With cronuts celebrating their 2 year anniversary, and the ramen burger being served to every grandma on the block, I needed to find something fresh to satisfy my inner longing for being perpetually disgusting.

Earlier this year, Little Cesar’s Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish put itself on my fad map with it’s amazing marketing; but alone, I didn’t think it could carry a story. I patiently waited for a comparable fat trend to enter the scene.

Then it happened. The rumblings started that a new kind of pizza was making it’s way to america: The Hot Dog Pretzel Bites Pizza.

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It’s alllll perfectly legal

This pizza was born on the heels of the success of the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza that Pizza Hut has [giving people heart attacks {of bliss}] in Australia. THAT pizza has one long hot dog going through the whole crust (#onelonghotdog) like WHOA. But I guess Americans weren’t ready for that realness.

I had the perfect plan- invite some fellow glutton-hogs over, force feed them these two pies, and make then take photos of me for the blog. Fun for everyone!

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Get ready for ALL the Liz Lemon gifs. “You guys wanna see me shotgun this?”

Continue reading

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Cricket Flour: We All Make Mistakes

The time has come to introduce a level of intrigue to those who are keeping up with this blog’s shenanigans…GIFTS. Please try to contain yourselves! Please STOP showering me with virtual high fives and cheek kisses! I TOO AM EXCITED. You can thank my Atwater Correspondent, Fox, for providing me with the below gifts to bestow upon you:

FullSizeRender (11)SO, if you suggest a fad, and I decide to give it a whirl, I will send you these WaCkY CrAzY KeWl Carly Come Lately tats to put wherever you please! Extra points if you send a picture back- extra extra points if the picture is of the tattoo on your butt (points have no value of any kind).

This week I will be sending this special gift over to my NYC food faddist, Talia (thank you Talia!) for suggesting I try the hottest thing to hit the food community…insects.

Why are you acting so surprised? You saw in the title of this article that it was about cricket flour! Oh, you thought I meant something else?! I figured, because literally everyone I told asked me what cricket flour is. Spoiler alert, it is exactly what it sounds like: dried crickets ground into a fine powder.

Cricket flour is a protein fueled trend that is capturing the hearts of health freaks world wide. What makes eating bugs so much better than eating normal human food like eggs or chicken? Crickets can have double the protein (and a fraction of the carbs that protein powder has). Most brands that I can find are gluten an grain free as well! REJOICE!

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So what is stopping you from running out and buying some right now? Are you waiting for my review? THAT IS WISE. Continue reading

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Wownut: a Waffle Donut NOT a Donut Waffle, Godammit.

Picture a sleepy little Carly waking up on the morn of her birthday and feeling in her BONES (so old and mature by means of growing up a whole year over night) that there was a fad that needed to be sniffed out. With a whole morning to fad out before my self indulgent, gift-grubbing festivities began, I went to my “thinking place” to do some research: Sun Nails (sorry, Lisa, Saigon nails was too far).

As I sat in my discount chair getting my toe nails ready for my big grown up debut, I began my search for a fad that would fulfill all my birthday needs: eating something disgustingly decadent (that was it, I only had one birthday need at the time). Should I go get a cronut? Hell no! How passe! BUT IT WAS TOO LATE — the mere thought of a delicious donut hybrid filled my mind and I knew my trend-seeking ideals were about to go down the toilet!

Then a magical thing happened…I came across an article about a new wave of donut hybrids…A WONUT. tmg-facebook_shareA glorious mixture between a waffle and a god damn donut. Praise the pastry lords! Good things DO come to those who wait (or, in my case, those who google for longer than 5 minutes)!

Lets rewind and introduce you to the world of hybrid food fads. You all remember the aforementioned cronut, a cross between a croissant and donut and also a beautiful catalyst for what was to be a journey down the road of one-upping in the pastry world. Since then we have seen ramen donuts, cookie shot glasses and all sorts of pathetic wannabes (sorry D&D this one’s on you).

As an aside, I’ll have you know I tried many LA-based cronuts at the peak of their faddism and came to the confident conclusion that Forage in Silverlake is the best in the city. Suck it. But get there early because they [annoyingly] usually make like 3 [are you people insane?].

But back to my birthday conquest for a deep fried waffle. While Chicago had pioneered the waffle-donut hybrid (and coined the name wonut) DK’s Donuts, a bakery in Santa Monica, had brought it west side and cleverly renamed the creation a Wownut. Great disguise, guys!

The pictures on various sites made these bitches look like heaven on earth, so I swallowed my hatred for driving west of downtown and took my pretty little toes and my pretty little pedicure flip flops on a road trip.

bridesmaids Continue reading

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The Post That Launched 1000 Slips

Alright, already! I’ve spent a month preparing to blog. I’ve designed! I’ve drawn! I’ve tried every free theme on wordpress! I watched three seasons of Gossip Girl (this may seem extreme and irrelevant, but I was left alone far too much this month and it makes me feel luxurious)! Now it is time to do the actual thing. As a wise woman once said “talking about doing the thing is not the thing.” I think it was Ayn Rand (it was Amy Poehler). And now that I have figured out whether or not the punctuation goes inside or outside the parenthesis, I am finally ready.

For those of you wondering why the hell I’m doing this- first of all, take it easy and let a girl live her DAMN LIFE! Phew, sorry I blew up at you like that. It’s just that I am doing this blog to turn my weakness (being ever so noncommittal) into my strength (committing to not committing!) and I don’t know yet if I believe in myself! So I’ve bet myself my own dignity that I will stick to it (in other words- stakes are low).

From now on I will be referring to you (my eventual adoring readers) in the informal- if you were to read my diary you would notice the same casual pronoun usage drenched with the same hope that people would find it and read it. I don’t want to inundate you with multiple posts on similar fads, so expect a wide variety of diet, fashion, food, exercise, health and social trends. What is a social trend, you ask? I’m choosing to define it as something like a popular new social activity (ie, silent discos) or App- ie, Thrinder (jklol I will not be using Thrinder [because I already have and it was lame {jklol got you twice- I’m KILLING it!}]).

So, let’s do this! I’m ready! I’m horrified I will give up too early! Don’t let me, dear friend. See you in the first post.

Kisses, A

XOXO, Gossip Girl

-C(arly)C(ome)L(ately)