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Sensory Deprivation Tanks: A Solitary Confinement Quickie

Hi cuties. Happy HALLOWEEN MONTH! In honor of the year’s spookiest season, I decided to give you the gift of a fad that is perhaps (get out your finger wags, Hyperbole Police) the scariest thing you could ever do: sitting with your own thoughts for 2 hours.No-Thank-You-Please

My BRILLIANT, STUPID, GORGEOUS, SADISTIC coworkers Sara “LOLWONTTHISBEFUN4U” H. and Rob “GETHIGHOFFYOUROWNSUPPLY” K. brought to my attention the mysterious nature of this fad. While it has been around for quite some time, I thought it was bizarrobatman enough to try in 2015.

Pardon me! I’ve not yet told you the name of the long time trend! But, in my defense, it is in the title. You so lazy, friendo! It’s called Sensory Deprivation Therapy, a type of treatment you can find inside of a Sensory Deprivation Tank.

Essentially, people have been paying money to be put inside of a dark tank for a few hours without human contact. It is supposed to clear your head with its terrifying brand of meditation.

The tank is filled with a shallow pool of heavily salted water, and completely isolated to block out all light and sound. The water is supposed to create a feeling of weightlessness. The tanks tend to be tall enough for tall chicks to stand in, and big enough to for curvy chicks to float around in. AKA, big enough.

So there you are, in a completely dark, completely quiet pool of warm liquid you cannot see, floating without any podcasts to listen to for 2 hours.

At first I thought “I’d rather be dead” but then I realized this could be a great time to hang out with the coolest babe I know and practice jokes and sweet nothings. Who knows, I could even emerge from my coffin a new woman.

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Continue reading

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‘Soothe’ Massage Delivery: Another Touchy Stranger in My Living Room

Goodness oh me oh my! My last article on becoming a punk mermaid drew more views than any article yet! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! I guess more articles about my shameful hygiene habits- any suggestions? And PLEASE no more people asking for the world’s shortest article on glitter pills: “my poop got glittery.”

For this article, I explored something a little more luxurious, and yet, WITH AN ELEMENT OF DANGER. Because who doesn’t like their relaxation with a side of anxiety? This week’s suggestion coming from my boss (Nicole, if you’re reading this- I left a tat on your desk!!) is Soothe: an in-home massage delivery service!

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Called by many the “uber of massage therapy,” Soothe started in LA in 2013. Now, it serves a crazy amount of metropolitan areas, offering a massage “anywhere you want, when you want with our licensed and vetted 5-star therapists. Starting at $99.”

That is like…pretty enticing. But it wasn’t enough to make me jump on the offer. I have plenty of strangers wandering around my neighborhood- if I wanted to get one inside my living room I could put a sandwich on my front step with a note that said “down?” Continue reading

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The Beyoncé Diet: A Rich Person’s Guide to Alienating Your Friends

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Woman sized pre-teen with a metabolism of gold

If you’ve ever had the delight of meeting the Carly in person, you may have had the absolute pleasure of hearing me talk about fad diets. Atkins? I was doing it in middle school. Weight Watchers? Only teenager in the meetings. South Beach? PLEASE, I’ve known those rules by heart since I was a fetus.

Naturally, my ear is to the ground when it comes to perpetuating my body issues. And this year has been a dietary goldmine.

The scale had tipped past low carb, past no carb, past paleo, past vegan, and into some of the most restrictive diet realms in recent memory: the gluten free, sugar free, vegan diet.

You read those rules right, folks. And who is the she-witch behind this torture? Queen Bea herself- The Yonce. Beabea wants us all to waste away so she can control our minds more easily and secure her seat as ruler of all women.

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Originally, YonYon gave us measly glimpses of what her super-diet was. Finally her and her “exercise physiologist” (ugh) and personal trainer, Marco Borges, collaborated with her to release a meal delivery program to bring these vegan “treats” to your door.

There was only one thing keeping the little people from following this diet: it cost fucking $630 to get 3 weeks of meals delivered. To break that down for you, that’s fucking $30 a meal. $30 for meals like “oatmeal and berries” or “quinoa eggplant stEW.”

Needless to say, the baby Beas were not happy. Luckily, in June, 2015, Grown Bea made a “special announcement” about the release of the novelization of this diet plan. Unluckily for her, people were all “HOW COULD YOU EVER CALL THIS SHIT A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT?” which, in their defense, is quite unclear.

So now the book is on the shelves of your favorite amazon store under the title of The 22 Day Revolution. The premise being that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit, so if you can stick with it with 22 days, you’re set for life (malarkey). Continue reading

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Mini Post: THINX Period Panties for Modern Women

Sometimes you do something that you think is going to be THE BEST, CRAZIEST THING EVER, and it turns out to be not that exciting. Perhaps you try pad thai from Pok Pok and it’s good but like…it’s pad thai, yaduh it’s good. Or maybe you see Magic Mike XXL in theaters, and it’s a good time, but you kind of knew you would be watching Donald Glover shirtless going in to it so…yeah, solid experience. Expectations were met.

This is the case for when I tried THINX, Period Panties for Modern Women. When my glorious globe trotting cousin (second cousin thrice removed?) Lauren sent me a link to these puppies I was all HOLY MOLY THIS IS GOING TO SHOOT THIS BLOG TO THE TOP!! But it turns out, the experience was quite quiet.

Thus is born a Carly Come Lately first; the Mini Post. It’s a pretty self explanatory concept, so I’ll spare you the long winded description of the Mini Post before it becomes my usual Maxi Post (period humor y’all- get used to it).

Let me begin by saying that if you’re someone who is terrified of reading about periods- this article is not for you. But also, if you are one of those people, perhaps I am not for you, as I am in a state of menstruation roughly 25% of the time. Facts are facts!

THINX are basically underwear (the word “panties” is my kryptonite) you can wear when you’re on your period, and not have to worry about leaks. They are not meant to replace a tampon, or diva cup, or whatever period protection is your poison. They are simply meant as a back up.

They offer thongs (absorption capacity: 1/2 tampon), cheeky (1 tampon) and hip huggers (2 tampons) and all options are about $30 a pair. They unfortunately call them…UNDIES…on their site, which is quite possibly the only word worse than panties. That kind of language should be avoided when selling merchandise!

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I ordered myself a pair of cheekies and attempted to not tell everyone I passed in the office how excited I was. They took a week or so to arrive…right on schedule. Continue reading

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Cryotherapy: Flash Freezing Myself into Best Friendship (in a -260° Box)

I AM SO JIZZITY-JAZZED FOR JUNE!! You have no idea how many weirdo things have popped up on the faddist radar! This summer is going to be filled with Guy Fieri worthy foods, delightful feminist movements, and bizarre events I force my “friends” to go to. Who will reap the benefits? US. We will weed through this season’s insanity together.

I know what you’re wondering, will today’s trend get us “bathing suit ready”? Yes! But in this scenario, “bathing suit ready” refers to practicing freezing your ass off, being essentially naked, and generally horrified. Sounds like the beach to me!

Today’s fad is brought to you by one of my closest friends (literally, because we spent about 4 years living under the same roof), MaliMo. Since she is a fucking lady boss, she was casually working the Academy Awards’ red carpet when she saw a strange box that the stars kept going in and out.

She inquired as to WHAT WAS IN THE BOX and found out that it was a popular treatment among the rich and famous, Cryotherapy. Essentially, it’s a human sized chamber that gets down to -250° F and promises eternal youth.

I was sold. BUT CARLY, THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS, SHOULDN’T YOU DO ANY RESEARCH WHATSOEVER BEFORE YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS TORTURE?! Nah, I’ll figure it out, thanks bb! Continue reading

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Korean Spa Day: My New Starring Role in “Naked and Afraid”

For the first couple of months of this blog, I was SWIMMING in ideas. I was diving into a pool of glorious, weirdly desirable fads. I plowed through those puppies and found myself asking WHAT NOW?! Luckily I live in a house of brilliant trend-setting geniuses.

When I was going to mope town about not having a perfect trend picked out for this week, my friends Emma and Max opened their incredibly attractive and intelligent mouths and recommended I do something terrifying and exhilarating: go to a Korean spa.

Perhaps it was because of the Conan O’Brien sketch on the subject, or the way Korean Beauty regimens have been all the rage on my frequented blogs, but I certainly have felt like people have been mummering about the mysterious experience that is the Korean Spa circuit.

I truly had no clue what to expect aside from a perfect (as always) joke from the sitcom guru that is Happy Endings (“Well, I didn’t like Korean spas until I learned how to say the phrase, ‘I don’t wanna bleed today’.” Quotes aside, do you know what kind of things come up when you google “happy endings korean spa”? It aint pretty).

Luckily, Groupon was offering a well timed deal to get me in for a few bucks only. Unluckily, I wanted to get the “full experience” which to me means buying the shit out of a body scrub/massage/facial combo.

The Angelic Emma assure me it would be an experience for the ages, while urging me not to watch the Conan video before I went.

If I could tell you one thing I knew for sure, it was that I was required to be naked, and I promised myself no tears would be involved [this time]! I would walk in and be completely natural about the whole deal.giphy

I drove to my fate,  and I was prepared for one of two scenarios: 1) My eyes would be opened to a world of soft skin and no shame and strong feminist values held by incredibly soft feminist women. 2) I would be laughed out of the spa for having cellulite. Continue reading

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Cricket Flour: We All Make Mistakes

The time has come to introduce a level of intrigue to those who are keeping up with this blog’s shenanigans…GIFTS. Please try to contain yourselves! Please STOP showering me with virtual high fives and cheek kisses! I TOO AM EXCITED. You can thank my Atwater Correspondent, Fox, for providing me with the below gifts to bestow upon you:

FullSizeRender (11)SO, if you suggest a fad, and I decide to give it a whirl, I will send you these WaCkY CrAzY KeWl Carly Come Lately tats to put wherever you please! Extra points if you send a picture back- extra extra points if the picture is of the tattoo on your butt (points have no value of any kind).

This week I will be sending this special gift over to my NYC food faddist, Talia (thank you Talia!) for suggesting I try the hottest thing to hit the food community…insects.

Why are you acting so surprised? You saw in the title of this article that it was about cricket flour! Oh, you thought I meant something else?! I figured, because literally everyone I told asked me what cricket flour is. Spoiler alert, it is exactly what it sounds like: dried crickets ground into a fine powder.

Cricket flour is a protein fueled trend that is capturing the hearts of health freaks world wide. What makes eating bugs so much better than eating normal human food like eggs or chicken? Crickets can have double the protein (and a fraction of the carbs that protein powder has). Most brands that I can find are gluten an grain free as well! REJOICE!

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So what is stopping you from running out and buying some right now? Are you waiting for my review? THAT IS WISE. Continue reading