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The Werewolf Diet: Eating Fruit Is Not As Fun As Eating Humans

Suggestions have been tumbling in, and I am totally digging it. Keep ’em coming! It lights up my life! From what I can tell, many of you think I should try some kooky diets (I chose not to take this personally — I know you think I look really cute today) so I have decided to kick off the diet fad craze with the one that has the silliest name: The Werewolf Diet.

HAHAHAHA! Right?! Why would anyone ever look into a diet named after a fatty creature of the night that feasts on living beings?! But the name is hilarious and that is enough for me.

This diet goes by many titles (mainly The Moon Diet, or Lunar Diet) and its popularity1610784_10202207517223670_9035601934975615815_n has been on the rise since 2006, peaking last year. The idea is simple: you fast on the full moon and new moon. The thought is that the phases of the moon do not only have a gravitational pull on the beautiful shores of Massachusetts (ahhh, glorious coastal Massachusetts..) but also on the waters inside our bods. Also, Madonna does it? Seems legit. Please see the following artist rendering of what I assumed I would look like after this diet; admittedly Madonna-esque.

The basic version of the diet is to simply consume nothing on the full moon and new moon aside from fresh juice, and preaches insanely optimistic results (up to 6 lb down in one day). There is a more extended version of the diet that includes a full month’s commitment, but…gross. If there is anything that appeals to me, it’s a diet that claims to have people dropping more than a pant size in one day. And, as everyone knows, the easiest solution to weight loss is ALWAYS the best! Duh!

So off I went on the new moon, to spend a day in hell drinking only the juice from my least favorite foods (fucking fruits). What’s one day?! I woke up, looked in the mirror, and waved goodbye to my belly.

Obviously, I botched the bitch. Not only was I rocking bloat from my lady times, but I didn’t even remember to do a preliminary weigh in! I realized that if I was a true ‘WOMAN OF SCIENCE’ I would have added some goddamn logic into this test of lb lossage! One day of fasting down the drain only to realize I would need to fast not one more day..but two. One day of nonsense juice fasting to use as my baseline test, and one day fasting on the full moon to see how miraculous it really is. And I would have to WEIGH MYSELF. Like 6 times!comprennent-rien

Didn’t this fad know it was just the holidays?! All I could do was suck it up and hope my scale had a sense of humor. Spoiler: it didn’t.

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Gojjing: An Amazing New Word To Beat To Death

Are you looking to try a fitness trend that requires minimal effort, zero dollars, and is virtually slower than walking? Then do I have the fad for you! It’s called Gojjing (no it’s not) and it’s literally just jogging backwards. That’s it.

Gojjing (not what it’s called at all) is supposed to treat your body with the gentle touch it deserves from a rigorous fitness routine. It’s easy on the joints and tough on the glutes. What the fans don’t tell you about Gojjing (is literally everything because the word Gojjing is ungoogle-able) is that it’s mainly for those impermeable to gawking stares and pot-holes.

The first (and last) time I saw the term Gojjing was in an article in The Sydney Morning Herald (I will not apologize for being so worldly) called “The Six Weirdest Fitness Trends of 2014”. I tried googling the word, excited about doing something so silly for no money (usually I pay top dollar to humiliate myself) and couldn’t find a damn thing!

But the gods wouldn’t let such a good trend go untried by a faddist like myself, and soon enough I stumbled upon a new fitness trend mainly in the UK called Retro Running or Reverse Running. Honestly, most people are just calling it “running backwards” but I am not going to let an incredible term like Gojjing go unused in this society! This article is for you, Australia. You’re welcome.Capture

Gojjing (every time I type it I feel like a revolutionary!) sprang onto the scene out of nowhere in 2006. It has peaked in the public’s eye over the last year on the heels (feet joke. runners get it.) of Barefoot Running. From what I gather through my research, people thought, “I know that Barefoot Running is super weird and painful, but how can we really maximize the emotional and physical risks of running?!” and then one genius Australian yelled “GOJJING IS THE ANSWER!” and everybody laughed because Gojjing is a hilarious word and Australian accents are fun.

The benefits of Gojjing are touted to be a more complete workout, a gentler exercise, and a good story for your friends. If you want to read some more documentation on Gojjing, might I recommend its bustling Wikipedia page, which describes the fad with the following gem of a sentence: “the act of running in reverse, so that one travels in the direction one’s back is facing rather than one’s front.”

Gojjing is here to stay, dummies, so put on your knee pads and get on board.

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Oil Pulling: Dry Heaving in Silence

Oil Pulling. Just writing the words makes me gag. In fact, you can be confident in the knowledge that I will be dry heaving at this cafe with free wifi while I write the chilling details of my experience.

Let me start by filling you in on this growing trend. People are guzzling oil (vastly coconut or sesame) for what feels like DAYS (20 minutes) and claiming it’s curing every ailment they ever faced (namely curing hangovers, gingivitis and headaches, as well as whitening teeth and removing “toxins”). If you read that sentence without my asides then it sounds quite seriously insane. Obviously, people dig it.

Oil pulling originated centuries ago and started as a simple practice to improve oral heath. The thought is that the mouth is the door to the body’s many toxins and is the best place to start if you want to get them out of you. Google trends will show that nobody gave a flying fuck about oil pulling until around 2007, with a mega spike in 2014.

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Why did the Google loving North Americans start turning to oil pulling? I can only assume it’s because the massive amount of times they use the word “toxins” whenever it’s mentioned online. People love toxin shit. But you don’t come here for my incredible assessment of fad history (she screamed into the empty abyss to noone), you come here for the gritty details. Continue reading