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Candy Pits: Getting Past the Aquard Stage

I don’t know if you creatures know this- but I have a Suggestion Page and Facebook Page where I shamelessly steal your ideas and send you a .05 cent CCL tattoo in exchange. This week’s fad comes from the brilliant minds of many; Laura “Affianced” Stringbean, Jenn Warden of My Heart, and Talia the Certified NYC Faddist, to name a few. These Candy Curious comrades can be thanked for my dive into the lifestyle that is Candy Pits.

“Carly, wtf are Candy Pits? That’s not a thing. I just googled it, seriously, it’s not a thing.” UGH OPEN YOU’RE MIND, DUMMY- Candy Pits are the weird second cousin of Candy Brows, duh-doy!

More commonly known as the Dyed Armpit Hair Trend, Candy Pits first broke out onto the scene in late 2014, when Roxie Hunt decided to dye a green haired lady’s armpits to match her head. News continued to pick up on this trend all the way to last month’s NY Times article on the trend. These pits were on FIRE. Even Queen Miley approved.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

The three iconic faces of candy pits: Rain, Miley and Destiny M. AKA CANDY QUEENS.

We’ve passed fad and entered into movement territory. I’m like anyone else when it comes to new things- my first reaction to Candy Pits was “kewl 4 them, naht 4 me.” I’m not trying to jump on any movement wagon that I’m not adept to explain to the common fad-enthusiast! What if some one, god forbid, thought I was one of the “bra-burning feminist“?! I NEED bras because of my lady shape!!!

I ignored the suggestions as long as I could; but after I found myself 2 weeks deep into an I-forgot-to-shave hole, what excuse did I have? I had the pits, all I needed was the candy.

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The Beyoncé Diet: A Rich Person’s Guide to Alienating Your Friends

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Woman sized pre-teen with a metabolism of gold

If you’ve ever had the delight of meeting the Carly in person, you may have had the absolute pleasure of hearing me talk about fad diets. Atkins? I was doing it in middle school. Weight Watchers? Only teenager in the meetings. South Beach? PLEASE, I’ve known those rules by heart since I was a fetus.

Naturally, my ear is to the ground when it comes to perpetuating my body issues. And this year has been a dietary goldmine.

The scale had tipped past low carb, past no carb, past paleo, past vegan, and into some of the most restrictive diet realms in recent memory: the gluten free, sugar free, vegan diet.

You read those rules right, folks. And who is the she-witch behind this torture? Queen Bea herself- The Yonce. Beabea wants us all to waste away so she can control our minds more easily and secure her seat as ruler of all women.

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Originally, YonYon gave us measly glimpses of what her super-diet was. Finally her and her “exercise physiologist” (ugh) and personal trainer, Marco Borges, collaborated with her to release a meal delivery program to bring these vegan “treats” to your door.

There was only one thing keeping the little people from following this diet: it cost fucking $630 to get 3 weeks of meals delivered. To break that down for you, that’s fucking $30 a meal. $30 for meals like “oatmeal and berries” or “quinoa eggplant stEW.”

Needless to say, the baby Beas were not happy. Luckily, in June, 2015, Grown Bea made a “special announcement” about the release of the novelization of this diet plan. Unluckily for her, people were all “HOW COULD YOU EVER CALL THIS SHIT A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT?” which, in their defense, is quite unclear.

So now the book is on the shelves of your favorite amazon store under the title of The 22 Day Revolution. The premise being that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit, so if you can stick with it with 22 days, you’re set for life (malarkey). Continue reading

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Escape Rooms: Publicly Induced Stress Among Friends

Think about your perfect friend-hang: a low-key bbq perhaps. A Saturday evening chill-zone at dusk with your besties, some Splashy Pomatinis in hand, some Big Macs on the grill (to heat them up- they had a long ride over from Micky Ds!) and the “Happy Pop” Songza playlist providing your soundtrack to star gazing.

“Happy women friends drinking red wine laughing in vineyard in summer. Young laughing girlfriends drinking rose wine from glass outside” is the actually caption this photo CAME with.

NOW THINK OF THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. The world has gone insane, and the latest kewl new thing to do with your pals includes a stressful time limit, a fight to escape a windowless room, and a small Wisconsian laughing at your embarrassing attempts to do something well.

They’re called Escape Rooms, and they began popping up in Japan in 2000, swam over to the US in 2012, and today, there are almost 1,000 in the US, and just about 15 in LA alone.

Even HoLlYwEiRd has jumped on the band wagon, opening up themed escape rooms for various film openings. ESCAPE ROOMS, MAN! These fuckers are pure profit. There are some fun articles about the lucrative business of opening up one of these puppies, but I digress.

Basically, you are locked in a room with a few other people (usually 10-15) and instructed to find a way out within a limited amount of time (usually 60 minutes). It’s part puzzle, part video game, part team building activity, part scavenger hunt, and part test to see which one of your friends cracks first.

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Mini Post: THINX Period Panties for Modern Women

Sometimes you do something that you think is going to be THE BEST, CRAZIEST THING EVER, and it turns out to be not that exciting. Perhaps you try pad thai from Pok Pok and it’s good but like…it’s pad thai, yaduh it’s good. Or maybe you see Magic Mike XXL in theaters, and it’s a good time, but you kind of knew you would be watching Donald Glover shirtless going in to it so…yeah, solid experience. Expectations were met.

This is the case for when I tried THINX, Period Panties for Modern Women. When my glorious globe trotting cousin (second cousin thrice removed?) Lauren sent me a link to these puppies I was all HOLY MOLY THIS IS GOING TO SHOOT THIS BLOG TO THE TOP!! But it turns out, the experience was quite quiet.

Thus is born a Carly Come Lately first; the Mini Post. It’s a pretty self explanatory concept, so I’ll spare you the long winded description of the Mini Post before it becomes my usual Maxi Post (period humor y’all- get used to it).

Let me begin by saying that if you’re someone who is terrified of reading about periods- this article is not for you. But also, if you are one of those people, perhaps I am not for you, as I am in a state of menstruation roughly 25% of the time. Facts are facts!

THINX are basically underwear (the word “panties” is my kryptonite) you can wear when you’re on your period, and not have to worry about leaks. They are not meant to replace a tampon, or diva cup, or whatever period protection is your poison. They are simply meant as a back up.

They offer thongs (absorption capacity: 1/2 tampon), cheeky (1 tampon) and hip huggers (2 tampons) and all options are about $30 a pair. They unfortunately call them…UNDIES…on their site, which is quite possibly the only word worse than panties. That kind of language should be avoided when selling merchandise!

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I ordered myself a pair of cheekies and attempted to not tell everyone I passed in the office how excited I was. They took a week or so to arrive…right on schedule. Continue reading

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Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza & Little Cesar’s Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish: Glutton Rage

~~**Fuck all these diets**~~ A girl can only diet so much! There are some “fun”/”horrible” diet trends coming up that I will want to try, and I know I’m going to need to InDuLgE a bit.

With cronuts celebrating their 2 year anniversary, and the ramen burger being served to every grandma on the block, I needed to find something fresh to satisfy my inner longing for being perpetually disgusting.

Earlier this year, Little Cesar’s Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish put itself on my fad map with it’s amazing marketing; but alone, I didn’t think it could carry a story. I patiently waited for a comparable fat trend to enter the scene.

Then it happened. The rumblings started that a new kind of pizza was making it’s way to america: The Hot Dog Pretzel Bites Pizza.

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It’s alllll perfectly legal

This pizza was born on the heels of the success of the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza that Pizza Hut has [giving people heart attacks {of bliss}] in Australia. THAT pizza has one long hot dog going through the whole crust (#onelonghotdog) like WHOA. But I guess Americans weren’t ready for that realness.

I had the perfect plan- invite some fellow glutton-hogs over, force feed them these two pies, and make then take photos of me for the blog. Fun for everyone!

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Get ready for ALL the Liz Lemon gifs. “You guys wanna see me shotgun this?”

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Cryotherapy: Flash Freezing Myself into Best Friendship (in a -260° Box)

I AM SO JIZZITY-JAZZED FOR JUNE!! You have no idea how many weirdo things have popped up on the faddist radar! This summer is going to be filled with Guy Fieri worthy foods, delightful feminist movements, and bizarre events I force my “friends” to go to. Who will reap the benefits? US. We will weed through this season’s insanity together.

I know what you’re wondering, will today’s trend get us “bathing suit ready”? Yes! But in this scenario, “bathing suit ready” refers to practicing freezing your ass off, being essentially naked, and generally horrified. Sounds like the beach to me!

Today’s fad is brought to you by one of my closest friends (literally, because we spent about 4 years living under the same roof), MaliMo. Since she is a fucking lady boss, she was casually working the Academy Awards’ red carpet when she saw a strange box that the stars kept going in and out.

She inquired as to WHAT WAS IN THE BOX and found out that it was a popular treatment among the rich and famous, Cryotherapy. Essentially, it’s a human sized chamber that gets down to -250° F and promises eternal youth.

I was sold. BUT CARLY, THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS, SHOULDN’T YOU DO ANY RESEARCH WHATSOEVER BEFORE YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS TORTURE?! Nah, I’ll figure it out, thanks bb! Continue reading

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Broga®: For Insecure Men and Carlys

Can we just talk about the elephant in the room? I KNOW I haven’t written to you, my dear Faddists, in many moons. Stop hassling me about it! I was moving, OK?! I got v v busy, guys!! What’s that? Nobody cared? I’m sorry, did you say that if I hadn’t mentioned it, you wouldn’t have noticed? Well, shit. Forget I said anything.

Know what else I haven’t done in a while and probably shouldn’t be mentioning? Worked out. I have truly let myself go. Wait, does walking count? Nope. So, yeah, I haven’t been doing that. Which means there is a whole world of emerging weirdo fitness fads that I haven’t been privy to!

I knew just where to begin my search for bizarre crazes: the Crunch Gym website.

Amazing Broga® Photog®aphy from Huff Post

Amazing Broga® Photog®aphy from Huff Post

Have you ever seen on of those gym’s schedules? They are insane! They have a class where a comedian makes you laugh during a cardio workout!! I KNOW! It sounds amazing!! Sadly, they only have it at like 11AM on Tuesday’s in Burbank, so, no.

They have ariel yoga! But, my grandma probably does ariel yoga by this point.

They have a class which uses drumming and weighed drum sticks as it’s soul fitness regime! Hysterical! Just as I was about to sign on for this rock star wannabe nonsense…I saw a word. A word that may not have caught my eye right away; but once I saw it, I knew my search had come to an end…Broga®.

What was this magical word? Why did it have a fancy ® after it? Why did saying it make me want to wear pastel shorts and topsiders without socks?

A quick google search demystified the trend- showing it’s slow climb to fitness fadom starting in 2007. Apparently, some Big Dawg named Robert Sidoti who ACTUALLY bodes from Martha’s Vineyard (my topsider spidey sense has never led me wrong) decided that it was soooOOoooOoo unfair that men just DIDN’T have enough exercises to do where they could swoll out among their own kind!

Life is hard, Robert.

So Sidiot creates an exercise to bring men back to the mat. You may find yourself saying, “oh, I didn’t know men weren’t welcome at yoga” to which almost everyone in the world would respond “yeah…that is not a thing.” Perhaps we should take down the “GRLZ ONLY” sings from above our ashrams? Sorry for leaving you out, guyz.

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OK so now that I have set the tone of the ridiculousness of men demanding more rights to exercise away from the terrors of the female gaze- imagine my excitement when I realized that the only gym in my area that offered this class was perhaps the most male centric: The West Hollywood Crunch Gym.

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